Late Entry: The Way, Way Back

Yep, I actually saw The Way, Way Back. I'll bet you thought I was bluffing. Nope, I actually saw it. And it was... pretty good. I mean, it wasn't phenomenal, and the first ten, twenty minutes were boring as fuck, but it was good. It was funny, it was thought-provoking, I got out with the theater with a smile on my face. Let me just say, I hated this movie for a while. But then one character that changed my whole point of view.
What character was this? Was it Steve Carrell? Nat Faxon? Jim Rash? No. The character that truly saved this movie is Sam Rockwell's. His character was HILARIOUS. He was well-written, surprisingly developed, and, as you may expect from a Sam Rockwell character, was portrayed perfectly. Not many actors could say so much nonsense so fast without breaking character, but Sam Rockwell, one of the greatest actors of our generation, does it beautifully.
This was one of the sad Steve Carrell movies, and honestly, it's one of the better ones. I think the only one that beats it out is Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, since I don't really have much else to say about this movie except that I give it a B and that Jim Rash and Rob Corddry's characters were surprisingly terrible, I think I'm going to leave it at that and start working on a Stank-Ass Ranking for the sad Steve Carrell movies. But first, I just want to say that this is a classic example of why you should never judge a movie by its poster. Although the posters for this one are actually pretty accurate. You know what? That's a bad metaphor. Movie good. See it.

Stank-Ass Ranking: The X-Men Movies

Well, The Wolverine came out this weekend, so now seems like a perfect time to rank the X-Men movies. Now, keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion that basically everyone else who's seen these movies shares. Seriously, besides the order of the first two, I can't imagine why any X-Men fan would disagree with any of this. Anyway, on with the list!

#1: X2: X-Men United

Oh, yeah. This is what I'm talking about. X2, one of the best superhero movies of all time. What can I say about X2. It's a great movie. It's big. It's powerful. It's dramatic. It's funny. It's dark. It's just everything you could want in a superhero movie. Was it the best superhero movie of all time? No, that honor goes to The Dark Knight. But it's up there. It's way up there.

#2: X-Men

What kick-started the comic book movie revolution? Some say it was Blade. Others say Spider-Man. Some even trace the modern-day comic book movie all the way back to Men in Black. So, whatever it is, it's a Marvel movie. But in my opinion, the first movie that truly defined the modern comic book movie was none other than X-Men. At the time, people didn't know what to make of it. Some people treated it like a gift from God. Others thought it too strange for their sensibilities. But one thing was for sure. It was the start of a revolution. Every superhero movie started using this new formula, some successfully (Spider-Man franchise, Amazing Spider-Man franchise, Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Dark Knight trilogy) and others... not so much (Daredevil, Catwoman, 50% of X-Men movies). If it weren't for this movie, there wouldn't have been a comic book revolution, and we would never have the five superhero movies a year we're so used to.

#3: The Wolverine

For those of you who haven't seen my review of this movie, which is crazy, because I put it up yesterday, The Wolverine is decent. It's good. It's not a great movie like the two above, and it's not a terrible movie like the three below. It's just alright. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from hating this movie, and the only thing that made it better than Man of Steel, was Wolverine himself. Nothing else about the movie was phenomenal, just good ol' Logan. And that's all I need.

#4: X-Men: First Class

Now, for some reason, a lot of people seem to think this movie is good. In fact, it has the highest rating of all the X-Men movies on Rotten Tomatoes. I don't see why. It's terrible. The acting isn't very good, it completely throws away what happened in the last four movies, the ending is ridiculous, the middle is ridiculous, the beginning is... fine, actually, but it doesn't make up for the rest of this piece of shit! Almost all of the characters are SO ANNOYING, and there's just too much bullshit in it for me to enjoy it at all. While it is the best of the bad X-Men movies, it's still bad.

#5: X3: The Last Stand

Oh, boy. Here we go. These final two spots were a real toss-up because they're both SO TERRIBLE. But before I talk about this endless swamp of shit, I want to defend Brett Ratner. Not everything he makes is bad. He made Horrible Bosses and "Prison Break" and Rush Hour and... nothing else that is good. Alright, he's pretty bad. But he's not that bad. This, however, is that bad. It's not that it has bad actors or even a bad plot. It's the same problem that the next movie on the list has, and the same problem that Green Lantern had. It's TERRIBLY WRITTEN. It's unfunny, it doesn't make sense, the writing is SO BAD that it makes this movie one of the worst in the superhero genre. And the worst X-Men movie of all time is...

#6: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the worst movies of all time. The movie that introduced about twenty new X-Men characters and ruined them all. I'm dead serious. Just look at them. In the comics, Gambit can hypnotize people, make things EXPLODE, create static electricity, and harness the power of kinetic and potential energy. In the movies, they turned him into a guy with a jacket who can make things stronger. What does that mean? You figure it out. Another prime example is Deadpool, who is the funniest thing ever in the comics, he can't even speak once he becomes Deadpool. That is a crime against humanity. The very thought of portraying Deadpool as a character that can't speak is just ludicrous. They say that he will break the fourth wall in the upcoming movie, like he does in the comics, which indicates that he will HAVE A FUCKING MOUTH. Thank God. Also, tell Him to DESTROY EVERY LAST COPY OF THIS PIECE OF CINEMATIC SHIT!

I've decided that I will put out a review of The Way, Way Back this week. Bet you didn't see that coming.

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Review: Wolverine is Confusing, Predictable, and Dark. But Good.

Well, Days of Future Past is less than a year away, and I'm finally getting excited about it. Why, you may ask? The Wolverine. You see, most X-Men movies fall into one of two categories, the great and the terrible. In fact, it's even more simple than that. Every X-Men movie from before 2005 is great, and every X-Men movie from after 2005 is terrible. But now it seems the curse has been broken. Or at least, retooled. You see, Wolverine is good. Not really good, in fact it's about as good as Man of Steel, but still good. So, what does this mean? Has the X-Men curse finally been broken, or has it been changed so that every X-Men movie from 2005 to 2012 is bad, and every movie before and after those years, respectively, is good? Read on to find out.
Let's start with what's good about this movie. A lot. But as you may expect from a Wolverine movie, my favorite part was Logan. He was funny, he was cool, he was the all-around badass you were hoping for. I think people were expecting him to be turned into a wuss, like Iron Man 3. Not that Iron Man 3 was bad. But the good news is, that didn't happen. Even when he didn't have his healing powers, he cut his own chest and pulled a spider off of his heart. THAT is Wolverine. Like I said three lines up, he was also hilarious. His Clint Eastwood demeanor and sarcastic remarks had the whole audience laughing out loud. But not all his jokes went over very well. Remember that "Fuck you, Sally" line from Oblivion? You know, the only good part of the movie? Well, this movie had basically the same joke. But it wasn't funny.
Now, let's talk about Viper. She seems to be one of the things people complain the most about when it comes to this movie. And they have all the right to. She sucked. They took one of the most interesting X-Men villainesses and turned her into Serleena from Men in Black 2. I mean, literally. She is almost exactly like Serleena. She's also a mutant in this movie. Yep. Viper is a mutant. They actually made Viper into a mutant who could poison people by kissing them and shed her skin like a lizard. For those of you who don't know, Viper is not a mutant in the comics. She's just a really smart gymnast. Those two people don't sound very similar at all, do they?
Also, it was predictable. And confusing. And slow at times. Did I mention confusing? It was really confusing. Especially in the third act, where Wolverine didn't have his powers, and then he did have them, and then Yashida had them, but he didn't, he was just about to have them, and then... Yeah, it was really confusing. Also, Silver Samurai is in it. It was supposed to be some kind of big reveal when Yashida becomes the Silver Samurai, but anyone who knows who the Silver Samurai is would know that from the start.
That brings me to my final gripe. It was predictable. Really, really predictable. There was nothing in this movie I didn't expect. Everything that happened was built up to in not-so-subtle ways. It was awful. But it was good. Believe it or not, I actually really liked this movie. Well, let me rephrase that. I liked this movie. It was fine. I'd say it was a B-. It certainly isn't the best X-Men movie (X2), but it certainly is the most recent good one.
So, that's The Wolverine. Not great, not bad. Oh, also, there was an after-credits scene. And it was awesome. You see, it takes place two years after the end of the movie, for some reason. Logan is at an airport, for some reason. Seriously, why aren't they explaining anything? Anyway, he begins to notice that coins and keys and other small metals are getting all wonky. That's when Magneto shows up. He tells Logan that he needs his help to stop a new enemy to all of mutantkind. Wolvy asks him why he should trust him, to which Magneto says to look around. He finds that time has stopped. This is when, from behind a corner, Professor X shows up. The explanation for why he's not dead? He has special powers. That's all. Now, just from reading this description, you might not be that thrilled by the post-credits scene. But trust me, it was awesome. Even though the hype has been building for months, this is the first thing that actually got me excited for DoFP. So, that's going to be good, but is the curse truly broken?
Well, the next two X-Men movies after it will likely be Deadpool and X-Force. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Deadpool sucked, but if he's written well, and the character is totally revamped, his solo movie could work. I wish I could say what I thought about X-Force, but I don't know which X-Force it's going to be. However, I will be releasing a list of the current X-Men movies, in order from best to worst, later this week. There will also be a review of either Smurfs 2 or RIPD later this week, and probably no reviews next week. I'll think of something to write about, but there won't be any good movies out. Maybe I'll do a Late Entry for RED 2 if it works out.
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Harry Potter and the Content of Users

Hey, guys. I'm running out of ideas so I decided to steal yours. If you have any humorous reviews of movies or humorous writings in general, email them to me at thatnaivecube@gmail.com. If it pleases me, I will put it on this blog. Just leave your name and message after the beep.







































Beep.

Review: Turbo is Way, Way Better Than You'd Think

Poor Ryan Reynolds. Has he ever had a successful movie? Let me IMDb this. No, no he hasn't. Ryan Reynolds has never been in a movie that was both good and financially successful. In fact, most of his movies have been pretty shitty. It's not his fault. He's a very good actor. It's just that he keeps falling victim to what we in the writing business call "terrible writing." And I mean really terrible writing. He has played not one but TWO superheroes that he would have been really good at playing, both of which unfortunately sucked and their respective movies are now considered among the worst in the genre.
This is another one of his movies that was really good, but no one saw it. I mean, really good. It's almost Pixar quality. In fact, one of the only problems I had with this movie is that it's too much like Ratatouille. It's not as subtle as Ratatouille, but it's the same in a lot of aspects. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So, the question still stands: what was so good about this movie? Well first of all, it was hilarious. I wouldn't go as far as to say it was funnier than Despicable Me 2, but it was definitely a better kind of humor. Also, it was better. Than Despicable Me 2. Really. The movie had a lot of funny moments, in a very Pixar-y manner. Dreamworks has been trying for years to emulate Disney and Pixar, even though their first movie was a big "fuck you" to the both of them, and now it seems that they've pretty much succeeded. This movie had charm, wit, and a confusing story where animals can talk to each other in English, but to humans it just sounds like animal noises.
BUUUUUUUUUT there were a couple things I didn't like about it. Like I said before, it almost felt like a ripoff of Ratatouille, mixed with a little bit of Cars. Second of all, there were a few voice actors who I felt couldn't really work their way into the story. For example, Ryan Reynolds played... Ryan Reynolds, basically. Luis Guzman played... Luis Guzman. Ken Jeong played... Chow from The Hangover Part Sān. He was an old lady, but it was still the same character. The most annoying one, however, was Snoop Dogg. I was just SO distracted by Snoop Dogg's voice that it pulled me out of the movie every time I heard it. I could also really tell that Guy Gagne was Bill Hader, but I didn't mind it. It's Bill fucking Hader, for god's sakes. And of course, the incomparable Ben Schwartz was in this movie and I had NO IDEA. Seriously, I was on the way out of the theater with my little sister and I saw that Ben Schwartz was in it. And his character was pretty funny, too. I also loved how Gagne slowly went mad and although he was the bad guy, you could kind of see why.
For the most part, the 3D was nothing special. There were a few scenes that were pretty cool, most of them involving confetti, but most of it was pretty uninteresting. Also, not in a racist way or anything, but Luis Guzman's character kinda reminded me of the Blockbuster Buster for some reason. Just a side note. Overall, I give it a B+. It truly surprised me. This is the worst-performing Dreamworks movie ever, and that is a shame. Go see it. Seriously. Dreamworks is finally on a winning streak, and I'd hate to see that streak end because no one saw this great movie. I should have an RIPD review up by the end of the week. If not, Wolverine this weekend!
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A Nonsense Article to Tide You Over Because I Haven't Seen Any Movies These Past Few Days

The egg of Wednesday told me to fry the cat from Nantucket with ease. I told her, "You can't always get the kind of charger that keyboards can call their grandmother, can you?" She didn't respond, but the only kind of poster that does your taxes is the nonchalant kind. It was then that a bird that was walking by came to a startling revelation: Leonardo DiCaprio has never been to its house. This came as quite a shock to the lawyers, who had never heard the word "ersatz" and weren't willing to find out what it meant. That didn't stop Brent, the lopsided pickle who didn't play by the rules.
Now, it's strange to note at this point that I hadn't met Brent until last Kwanzaa, and by then he had already made nine thousand shoes out of the watches of businessmen. In fact, the only lopsided pickle I'd ever met was Gary Busey, and I'd only met him via Tumblr. Getting back to the story, it was clear at this point that Brent had no idea how the YouTube comments section worked. This, of course, meant that Katie, the lonely bowl of French onion soup, had no choice but to see the Total Recall remake by herself. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Did I leave the hairdryer on?" Unfortunately for you, Yahoo Answers can't help you with that predicament.
If there was one thing Brent had learned from all his years as a hole digger, it was that the best kind of box is no box at all. So, when he had finally found the tomb of Gilgamesh, he was at a loss. It wasn't until Frank Stallone made an appearance that he finally knew the answers. He got on a zeppelin back home and when he got there, he was off to the races. Unfortunately, it turned out that Frank Stallone had lied to him and Remembering Another Dashboard was not the winning horse.
Brent had a lot of opinions. He preferred latitude to longitude, Mac to PC, Ground Control to Major Tom, etc. But there was one thing he didn't know, and that was why Australians called them thongs instead of flip-flops. Of course, Brent did wind up saving the day in the end of this story, so you don't need to know the rest. Basically, Brent shot JR, DiCaprio got the girl, I learned a valuable lesson, and Bruce Willis was bread the whole time. Overall, I give it a C++.
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Review: Grown Ups 2 is Just Awful

Well, Adam Sandler has finally done it. He's finally figured out how to make me chuckle every now and then. I didn't think he could do it. After seeing Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, That's My Boy, Bedtime Stories, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Eight Crazy Nights, and others, I really thought that he would never succeed in making me laugh even a little bit. But he's finally done it.
Don't get me wrong, Grown Ups 2 is terrible. It's the worst movie I've seen all year and one of the worst things in general, tied with a deer carcass I saw outside a shopping center. I really do think that this movie is a piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or money. BUT it was a little funny. Let's go over it a little more.
The movie starts with the main characters having moved back to their hometown (I'll bet you thought they were going to move back during the movie. You're clearly overestimating Mr. Sandler). They all have families and lives and a buck is pissing on everything. That is literally the first scene in the movie. And guess what? The buck comes back during the climax and eats Taylor Lautner's dick. That is the climax of the movie.
Now, if there's a climax, you'd probably think there's a plot, right? Wrong. This is part of a subgenre of comedies called "things movies." A certain Mike Jeavons is known for reviewing "things movies," in which, rather than a plot, the movie concerns various unconnected things happening to various people with little setup and no payoff. And this movie is a prime example. The plot is basically that Adam Sandler throws a party. That's it. Sure, tons of other "things" that happen before that, but none of them have anything to do with the "plot." Like I said before, they're just things. No lesson, no plot, just things. I really, truly hate this movie. But it may be the best Sandler film I've ever seen. Why is that? Because, like I said before, it's a little funny. The problem with his other movies isn't that they have no plot or substance or likable characters, although those do contribute. The problem is that they are NOT FUNNY. This one, on the other hand, was... a little funny. It was about as funny as this review is. All in all, though, I give this movie a D.

P.S. I've abandoned my Pixar Timeline. I'll have a Turbo review ready by Thursday.
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