As the movie finally comes to an end, the credits start playing. Except wait, there are bloopers first. Okay, a few bloopers. Some other possible lines. A few alternate scenes. Oh, here's something. The "Chasing Waterfalls" scene. Wait a minute... is that the Friends theme song? Oh man, look at Jennifer Aniston's face. She can't believe these guys! That was funny. I enjoyed this.
These were my thoughts at the end of We're the Millers, the latest comedy from Dodgeball director Rawson Thurber and Wedding Crashers writer Bob Fisher. This movie was... really good. It had a great comedic setup, well-developed characters, some genuinely heartfelt moments, and Jason Sudeikis. The only problem I had with the movie: the lack of focus. There were a few subplots that felt really irrelevant to the main plot, i.e. the fake family being chased by a drug kingpin because they thought he was a different drug kingpin and that drug kingpin is trying to get away with everything and not pay Jason Sudeikis and not get killed by the other kingpin and not get caught by the DEA... you know what? That's another problem. The main plot is too confusing. I also don't like the ending that's kind of like "And they all live happily ever after unless you want a sequel which we can totally do if you guys want."
You know what all this reminds me of? Horrible Bosses. Seriously. Everything I just said about this movie applies almost perfectly to Horrible Bosses. Right down to the Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston. Even the humor of the movie is a lot like Horrible Bosses. Yup. It's Horrible Bosses.
Here's the thing, though. At first glance, this movie doesn't really look like Horrible Bosses. It looks like The Hangover Part Thr3e meets Vacation. But when you really look at the facts, this movie is a lot like Horrible Bosses. It's dark, but not Cable Guy dark. It's got a lot of cameos here and there, but it doesn't reach Anchorman levels. It has a lot of different kinds of jokes, to the point where it's hard to tell what kind of movie it's trying to be. Is it bad? No. Is it good? Yes. Is it one of the best movies of the past five years? Maybe in the top 20 or something, but not really.
In fact, this movie is so much like Horrible Bosses, I'm giving it the same grade as Horrible Bosses: a B. See it if you're in to that sort of thing. I may have a Planes review out later in the week, but not necessarily. I will definitely have a Kick-Ass 2 review out on Friday, my birthday. Jobs review next week, and we'll have to wait and see from there. I'll also be putting a mystery article out this week. Stay tuned.
End transmission.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
READING ABOUT TV: Why Sam and Cat is Total Bullshit
Now, I loved iCarly. And VicTORIous. They were both really funny shows that weren't condescending to kids. Now, these shows were both by Dan Schneider, the man behind Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, All That, Kenan and Kel, and The Amanda Show. BUUUUUUUT he's also the man behind Good Burger, What I Like About You, Guys Like Us, and The Amanda Show, which fits into both categories.
Anyway, about two years ago, iCarly and VicTORIous crossed over, in "iParty with Victorious," one of the worst-titled things ever. This made it clear that these two shows exist in the same universe, and it eventually became clear that Drake and Josh and Zoey 101 take place in this very same universe. The characters in the two shows had a lot of chemistry, so when both shows came to an end, Schneider decided to make a crossover show featuring the most annoying characters from both shows.
Enter Sam and Cat. The show follows a tough, intimidating young adult woman and a sweet, naïve young adult woman. Yes, since they've both graduated high school, the show is about two adult women and is geared toward children under 13. This was clearly not thought out very well. In the show, the mildly annoying Sam and teeth-grindingly annoying Cat run a babysitting service, with a couple other random characters who are very loosely involved with the main characters also appearing in every episode to help them with their shenanigans.
This show is terrible. Actually, let me rephrase that. It's bad. I don't want to say it's terrible, because compared to almost every other kids show on the air right now, it's Arrested Development. But by itself, it's bad. I actually watched the most recent episode, "#ToddlerClimbing," (yes, all of the episode titles are hashtags. Toldja it was terrible) and kept track of every laugh track in the episode and everything that actually made me laugh even the teeniest bit on the inside. In the end, the laugh track was used 184 times and only 69 jokes were even the tiniest bit funny. That comes out to 115 unfunny jokes, or 62.5%.
But let's look at everything that's bad about it.
1. The hashtag thing
2. Use of memes in a desperate attempt to convince kids that the Nickelodeon execs are aware of them
3. Unfunny jokes
4. CONSTANT LAUGH TRACK EVERY SINGLE SECOND. That episode was 21 minutes long and had 184 laugh tracks, averaging one every 7 seconds. THAT'S INSANE. To put that into perspective, there was about one joke every 18 seconds in Airplane!, with 251 jokes in total.
5. Cat is the most annoying thing to ever exist in reality or fiction
6. Cat is far too stupid to exist
7. Constant references to their previous shows, negative 10% of which are funny or necessary
8. Taking all of the most tired cliches, all of the worst in-jokes and jokes in general, basically everything that was bad about iCarly and VicTORIous and making that a show
And THAT is why Sam and Cat is total bullshit. Incidentally, I had an idea for an episode of Sam and Cat, and an episode of the upcoming show Gibby, another iCarly spinoff, that would lead in to an iCarly reunion special. The Gibby episode would involve Gibby preparing for the iCarly reunion. The Sam and Cat episode would be Sam going back to Seattle for the reunion, leaving Cat to babysit all by herself. These episodes would both come out towards the end of this year. When Sam tells Cat that she's going to Seattle, Drake Bell is there for whatever reason. Maybe they're at a food place and he works there, I dunno. Anyway, when she tells her, Drake says, "A reunion? The show ended like a year ago!" Priceless.
I will have a review or two out this week, followed by another review or two next week, and so on. I'll think of other things to write about, too.
Story is end!
Anyway, about two years ago, iCarly and VicTORIous crossed over, in "iParty with Victorious," one of the worst-titled things ever. This made it clear that these two shows exist in the same universe, and it eventually became clear that Drake and Josh and Zoey 101 take place in this very same universe. The characters in the two shows had a lot of chemistry, so when both shows came to an end, Schneider decided to make a crossover show featuring the most annoying characters from both shows.
Enter Sam and Cat. The show follows a tough, intimidating young adult woman and a sweet, naïve young adult woman. Yes, since they've both graduated high school, the show is about two adult women and is geared toward children under 13. This was clearly not thought out very well. In the show, the mildly annoying Sam and teeth-grindingly annoying Cat run a babysitting service, with a couple other random characters who are very loosely involved with the main characters also appearing in every episode to help them with their shenanigans.
This show is terrible. Actually, let me rephrase that. It's bad. I don't want to say it's terrible, because compared to almost every other kids show on the air right now, it's Arrested Development. But by itself, it's bad. I actually watched the most recent episode, "#ToddlerClimbing," (yes, all of the episode titles are hashtags. Toldja it was terrible) and kept track of every laugh track in the episode and everything that actually made me laugh even the teeniest bit on the inside. In the end, the laugh track was used 184 times and only 69 jokes were even the tiniest bit funny. That comes out to 115 unfunny jokes, or 62.5%.
But let's look at everything that's bad about it.
1. The hashtag thing
2. Use of memes in a desperate attempt to convince kids that the Nickelodeon execs are aware of them
3. Unfunny jokes
4. CONSTANT LAUGH TRACK EVERY SINGLE SECOND. That episode was 21 minutes long and had 184 laugh tracks, averaging one every 7 seconds. THAT'S INSANE. To put that into perspective, there was about one joke every 18 seconds in Airplane!, with 251 jokes in total.
5. Cat is the most annoying thing to ever exist in reality or fiction
6. Cat is far too stupid to exist
7. Constant references to their previous shows, negative 10% of which are funny or necessary
8. Taking all of the most tired cliches, all of the worst in-jokes and jokes in general, basically everything that was bad about iCarly and VicTORIous and making that a show
And THAT is why Sam and Cat is total bullshit. Incidentally, I had an idea for an episode of Sam and Cat, and an episode of the upcoming show Gibby, another iCarly spinoff, that would lead in to an iCarly reunion special. The Gibby episode would involve Gibby preparing for the iCarly reunion. The Sam and Cat episode would be Sam going back to Seattle for the reunion, leaving Cat to babysit all by herself. These episodes would both come out towards the end of this year. When Sam tells Cat that she's going to Seattle, Drake Bell is there for whatever reason. Maybe they're at a food place and he works there, I dunno. Anyway, when she tells her, Drake says, "A reunion? The show ended like a year ago!" Priceless.
I will have a review or two out this week, followed by another review or two next week, and so on. I'll think of other things to write about, too.
Story is end!
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Music News-ic Track-by-Track: THE WACK ALBUM
Back in the '60s, John Lennon said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. But in 2013, it is clear to me that the Lonely Island is bigger than Yeezus. Not in terms of length, although it is twice as long, or in terms of popularity, although it has sold a sizable amount. In terms of quality? Yes. The Wack Album is a higher quality album than Yeezus.
Look, I'm not saying Yeezus is a bad album. I like about four or five of its songs, which is fifty percent, so that's great. All I'm saying is that The Wack Album is perfect. Every single song from the dramatic intro, "Dramatic Intro," to the final track, "Perfect Saturday," is just great. Right now, its only competition for best album of the year is The Heist by Macklemore. Of course, we'll have to wait and see what Eminem has to offer, but rest assured, the best album of the year will be a white rap act. Anyway, I've decided to go through every track on this most wack of albums and share my thoughts about them. Note: the photos I've included are the first Google Images results when I typed the titles.
Yes, the above image is from the actual music video. The Lonely Island realized that since they're no longer on SNL, they'd need a niche to get people to buy their albums. Apparently, they decided that their songs were going to be broad parodies, as opposed to the specific parodies from the likes of Weird Al and the Key of Awesome. And it works perfectly. This first song is a parody of LMFAO-style dance songs. But while those songs have lines like "put your hands up" or "shake that ass," the Lonely Island takes it to extremes, telling audiences to build schools, burn them down, and teach their asses English. Robyn provides an excellent chorus that somehow works into the song perfectly. If I had to choose my favorite line, it would be Robyn's "So raise your glass then break the glass then stomp your bare feet on the glass." HILARIOUS.
GRADE: 10/10
Look, I'm not saying Yeezus is a bad album. I like about four or five of its songs, which is fifty percent, so that's great. All I'm saying is that The Wack Album is perfect. Every single song from the dramatic intro, "Dramatic Intro," to the final track, "Perfect Saturday," is just great. Right now, its only competition for best album of the year is The Heist by Macklemore. Of course, we'll have to wait and see what Eminem has to offer, but rest assured, the best album of the year will be a white rap act. Anyway, I've decided to go through every track on this most wack of albums and share my thoughts about them. Note: the photos I've included are the first Google Images results when I typed the titles.
#1: DRAMATIC INTRO
A perfect start to a perfect album. This is your typical dramatic intro, filled with random lines like "Please welcome the Lonely Island," "The Lonely Island are the first men to become pregnant," "I hereby declare the Lonely Island the 47th president of these United States," and "Tragedy strikes as the Lonely Island were beaten to death with their own dicks outside an all-male nightclub." The piece ends with a reporter wondering what TLI will create after an experience like this, followed by an immediate segue into the first song, "Go Kindergarten."
GRADE: 10/10
#2: GO KINDERGARTEN FT. ROBYN
Yes, the above image is from the actual music video. The Lonely Island realized that since they're no longer on SNL, they'd need a niche to get people to buy their albums. Apparently, they decided that their songs were going to be broad parodies, as opposed to the specific parodies from the likes of Weird Al and the Key of Awesome. And it works perfectly. This first song is a parody of LMFAO-style dance songs. But while those songs have lines like "put your hands up" or "shake that ass," the Lonely Island takes it to extremes, telling audiences to build schools, burn them down, and teach their asses English. Robyn provides an excellent chorus that somehow works into the song perfectly. If I had to choose my favorite line, it would be Robyn's "So raise your glass then break the glass then stomp your bare feet on the glass." HILARIOUS.
GRADE: 10/10
#3: HUGS FT. PHARRELL WILLIAMS
Now, this is an unconventional song. It's not unlike the rest of the album, it is a broad parody that replaces a lot of the sexual connotations of rap songs with hugs. It's just... kinda set up weirdly. Each chorus is really different from the previous one, either longer or shorter, and with almost entirely different lyrics. It's just a little annoyance. Also, some of the lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense in the context of the other ones. Look it up; you'll see what I'm talking about. But this is still a great song. The lines are clever, it has a good beat, and Pharrell is surprising on the chorus and bridge. I don't want to say it's the best Pharrell song of the year, but... it's better than "Blurred Lines." And also "Get Lucky." Yeah, it's the best Pharrell song of the year.
GRADE: 7/10
#4: DIAPER MONEY
Here's the thing about Diaper Money. The first part is really funny. The last part is really funny. The middle part is not that funny. It just isn't. If you don't know what I'm talking about, listen to the song. I also noticed that the each section of the song is longer than the previous one. It was clearly done intentionally, but I don't see why. That being said, I really like the third verse of this song. It's really funny. Just look at some of the lyrics.
I did it my way a very small percent of the time-way
Got my coffin picked out
Styrofoam painted like wood: tricked out
It's even got handles to lower me smooth
And my tombstone only has (minimal typos)
I got that grave plot
Let me just say that this song is much funnier if you watch the video. It's a perfect representation of a decent song.
GRADE: 6/10
#5: YOLO FT. ADAM LEVINE & KENDRICK LAMAR
Ah, YOLO. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it on SNL. It is just phenomenal. It's a true masterpiece. It takes a simple concept, that being a reinterpretation of the phrase "YOLO," and takes it as far as possible. I'm still not sick of this song. Everything from Andy's Shyamalanian intro to Kendrick Lamar's stupendous guest verse is done just right. The music video is fantastic, the lyrics are hilarious, and it's just another perfect ten from one of my favorite bands.
GRADE: 10/10
#6: SPELL IT OUT
Instead of describing this hilarious piece, I'm just going to write out the lyrics.
Yo, it's the Lonely Island. We got my man Jorm. Kiv's in the house. And me? You know who the F I am and if not, let me spell it out.
They call me D-U-D-E-T-H-A-T-H-A-S-S-E-X-W-I-T-H-P-I-G-S-F-O-R-M-O-N-E-Y-B-U-T-J-U-S-T-A-S-A-S-I-D-E-T-H-I-N-G-R-I-G-H-T-N-O-W-comma-I-apostrophe-M-J-U-S-T-S-H-O-R-T-O-N-C-A-S-H-A-N-D-H-A-V-E-I-R-O-N-S-I-N-T-H-E-F-I-R-E-S-O-I-N-T-H-I-S-E-C-O-N-O-M-Y-I-T-apostrophe-double L-H-A-V-E-T-O-D-O-M-Y-N-A-M-E-I-S Lenny!
Wait, that's gross.
GRADE: 9/10
#7: SEMICOLON FT. SOLANGE
I LOVE this song. Talking about how no one knows how semicolons work, the Lonely Island tells their teacher that they know how to use semicolons, then start doing that unfinished simile thing that rappers do, then fail their class. If you're not getting it, watch the lyric video. There's no music video yet, but it's still a great song with a lesson. Some of my favorite lines include "If Miss Moore married Josh; Demi Brolin/A comma and a fucking dot; semicolon" and "You know we're out of control; no brakes/Your birthday party sucked; no cakes" Throw in a great hook by Beyonce's little sister, and you've got yourself another great song from a great album
GRADE: 10/10
#8: INTERLUDE: WHERE BROOKLYN AT?
This one's a little weird (unlike the rest of the album SARCMARK). It's an interlude, where apparently three to four people are talking about this very album, when an old man comes up to ask them where Brooklyn at. He goes on to ask the same thing again, followed by "What about Queeeeeeens?" He repeats this as well and then goes on to say "Puerto Rico ho." He once again repeats himself before asking the original question one last time. Then the next song starts. And it's really funny.
GRADE: 7/10
#9: YOU'VE GOT THE LOOK FT. HUGH JACKMAN AND KRISTEN WIIG
Not gonna lie, this isn't a very good song. I mean, it's kinda funny and it has an OK beat, but it's definitely the worst one on the album. Long story short, a woman comes to a party with one fully exposed breast. I have no idea how or why they got Hugh Jackman for this. I mean, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... not that good.
GRADE: 5/10
#10: I'M A HUSTLER
Another weird one, the band itself wasn't sure whether to call this a song, putting in parentheses next to the title "Song?" It really is a strange piece. Basically, in a strange voice that I could demonstrate if we were speaking in real life, one of the Lonely Island members talks about how much of a hustler he is. After a minute or two of lines like "You need to be born with a certain swag/A je ne sais quoi that makes hustling your bag," many of which are pretty funny, things get a little crazy when verses start overlapping each other, eventually turning into a muddled mess of sound. However, all these verses stop when the character says "I'm in the kitchen, cooking up crack." He then says something in a normal voice that's pretty hard to make out. Weird, short, but still very funny, this is just another fine addition to the Lonely Island's repertoire.
GRADE: 7/10
GRADE: 7/10
#11: SPRING BREAK ANTHEM
Yes, that is Edward Norton. They got Edward Norton to be in their music video and marry Jorma Taccone. Long story short, the song makes fun of the fact that gay marriage is frowned upon in our society, while your typical spring break behavior is not. The first chorus is your typical spring break song, with a misleadingly epic beat, but for some reason, the last line is "Marry a man." The gay marriage lines become more and more prevalent leading into the final chorus which, except for one line, is entirely about gay marriage. And by the power of Greyskull, is it catchy. This song will be stuck in your head for days after you hear it. You'll struggle not to sing it in public, as is the case with other Lonely Island songs like "I Just Had Sex" and "Dick In a Box."
GRADE: 10/10
#12: I RUN NY FT. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG
SO IF YOU WANT THIS BIG APPLE, COME TRY TO TAKE A BITE!
'CAUSE I RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKING CITY AND I WON'T GIVE IT UP WITHOUT A FIGHT!
GRADE: 10/10
#13: I DON'T GIVE A HONK
Now, when I first heard this song, I didn't really like it. I mean, it was kind of catchy and had some funny lines, but I didn't think it was as good as, say, the past two songs. That is, until I learned the lyrics. This song is so much fun to perform, it's amazing. And the lyrics are hilarious.
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
And saying that we do is just simply ridonk
You can try to buy us off with your pesos and francs
But your money means nothing, you can take it to the bonk
Not funny enough? How about another line?
So, whatcha gonna do with all your honks?
Gonna dive in and swim like Scrooge McDonk.
Need one more?
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
Even if you give us candy like Willy the Wonk
But don't come for our honks, better know your place
Motherhonkers honk around and get honked in the face
If you don't give a honk about this song yet, then honk you.
GRADE: 9/10
#14: 3-WAY (THE GOLDEN RULE) FT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND LADY GAGA
Yet another song by JT and Andy Samberg. Not necessarily as catchy as "Dick in a Box," but definitely memorable.
GRADE: 6/10
#15: MEET THE CREW
This is another... unconventional song. It starts out normally, with the Andy, Kiv, and Jorma introducing themselves like so:
My name is Jorm
You can call me J-Orgus
Ride around town bumpin' Fugees in my Taurus
Yo, I'm Artemis Prime
Also known as Young Sandwich
Lonely Island got amigos like my man John Landis
Akiva in the house
But you can call me Young Dad
Rocking pink Adidas, never wear plaid
After that, though, they introduce about 15 characters, including Fat Bob, Tiny, Piccolo Pete, and Boring Steven. The song ends with:
So there it is
One third of the crew
The rest couldn't be here or phone in
But best believe they are missed
Lonely Island, we out
GRADE: 7/10
#16: I FUCKED MY AUNT FT. T-PAIN
I'm lucky that was the first result. I don't want to get into specifics, but this song is very funny, never gets too creepy, and has a pretty good beat.
GRADE: 7/10
#17: WE ARE A CROWD
This one is a parody of songs that people cheer at events. And it's really good.
We are a crowd
And we are loud
We're cheering as a group at our favorite event
We're gonna cheer
'Cause we are here
With all of us together we have nothing to fear
GRADE: 8/10
#18: THE COMPLIMENTS FT. TOO $HORT
This one's actually pretty bland. Basically, they compliment each other, and these compliments get more and more intimate as the song goes on.
GRADE: 5/10
#19: WE NEED LOVE
The gist of this song is that Akiva and Jorma talk about how they want an actual relationship, as opposed to just meaningless sex. They also do it in a dull monotone. It's very funny. I read that these are characters that the Lonely Island has had in their repertoire for like, 8 years, and apparently they're pretty popular among hardcore fans. I can see why.
GRADE: 7/10
#20: PERFECT SATURDAY
This one details a perfect Saturday. The Lonely Island has some girls coming over, but unfortunately, a friend of theirs stops by and needs to use their bathroom urgently. The girls are only a few minutes away, so they need to try to get rid of him. After they fail and the girls are disgusted and leave, they take him up to the roof and kill him. After that, we find out that this was their excuse to pull off a fart joke by the end of the album. Phew, I was getting a little worried.
GRADE: 9/10
FINAL GRADE: 9/10
While not every song on the album is fantastic, the album is still set up so that it's hard to stop at any given point. It is, in my opinion, the best album of the year. I'll put some kind of review out next week. I might be going on a trip, so we'll have to wait and see.
Story is end!
Review: I Have Opinions About Smurfs 2
Yep, I saw Smurfs 2. And it was pretty much what you'd expect. There were unnecessary subplots, crude jokes, adult jokes, and slaps in the face to fans of the show. It had a smurfshit ending that involved... something. I don't know, it got kind of confusing. They save Smurfette, get captured by Gargamel, Gargamel gets his comeuppance, he comes back before the Smurfs can escape, they somehow wind up outside, Gargamel apparently dies in a fireworks accident, Smurfette and one of the Naughties sing a Britney Spears and Katy Perry song that they must've made up on the spot, GLADoS is Luke's father, Darth Vader was Edward Norton's imagination, Tyler Durden was in purgatory, the Island won the power of veto, and "Rosebud" was referring to Bruce Willis.
But you know what the smurfed up thing is? It's still better than the original. Why, you may be asking? I can't hear you through the computer, you idiot. But here's why: they were trying. There was a pretty flowing narrative throughout and some of the jokes were actually a little bit funny. It almost feels like fan service, like they just took every complaint that people had about the original and tried to fulfill them. Some things worked well, like the flowing narrative and the fact that the characters pretty well resembled the ones in the original series. Others however, did not. For example, the cat got a more prominent role, and is still annoying as smurf and sounds nothing like a cat.
Like I said in the first paragraph, there were a couple subplots. For example, Neil Patrick Harris' stepfather is trying to bond with him, and Grouchy is trying to look on the bright side of things. But the difference between these and the first movie's subplots is that these feel more necessary, because the main focus of the movie could fit into one episode. At least this one had a main focus; the first one was just five Smurfs smurfing around in New York.
The movie also wisely chose to leave Alan Cumming's character, the Scottish smurf Gutsy, out of this one, instead replacing him with... a British one played by John Oliver. Hey, I didn't say they got everything right. They also once again reduced the brilliant casting choice of Paul Reubens as Jokey Smurf to two lines.
So, was the sequel necessary? No. Did it further the story? No. Did I enjoy it? No. Was it better than the first one? Smurf yes, it was! Overall, I give it a C. Definitely not the worst movie I've seen this year, but still not good. I'll be putting out a review of The Wack Album tomorrow, and I'll try to see RED 2 or RIPD next week.
Story is end!
But you know what the smurfed up thing is? It's still better than the original. Why, you may be asking? I can't hear you through the computer, you idiot. But here's why: they were trying. There was a pretty flowing narrative throughout and some of the jokes were actually a little bit funny. It almost feels like fan service, like they just took every complaint that people had about the original and tried to fulfill them. Some things worked well, like the flowing narrative and the fact that the characters pretty well resembled the ones in the original series. Others however, did not. For example, the cat got a more prominent role, and is still annoying as smurf and sounds nothing like a cat.
Like I said in the first paragraph, there were a couple subplots. For example, Neil Patrick Harris' stepfather is trying to bond with him, and Grouchy is trying to look on the bright side of things. But the difference between these and the first movie's subplots is that these feel more necessary, because the main focus of the movie could fit into one episode. At least this one had a main focus; the first one was just five Smurfs smurfing around in New York.
The movie also wisely chose to leave Alan Cumming's character, the Scottish smurf Gutsy, out of this one, instead replacing him with... a British one played by John Oliver. Hey, I didn't say they got everything right. They also once again reduced the brilliant casting choice of Paul Reubens as Jokey Smurf to two lines.
So, was the sequel necessary? No. Did it further the story? No. Did I enjoy it? No. Was it better than the first one? Smurf yes, it was! Overall, I give it a C. Definitely not the worst movie I've seen this year, but still not good. I'll be putting out a review of The Wack Album tomorrow, and I'll try to see RED 2 or RIPD next week.
Story is end!
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Late Entry: The Way, Way Back
Yep, I actually saw The Way, Way Back. I'll bet you thought I was bluffing. Nope, I actually saw it. And it was... pretty good. I mean, it wasn't phenomenal, and the first ten, twenty minutes were boring as fuck, but it was good. It was funny, it was thought-provoking, I got out with the theater with a smile on my face. Let me just say, I hated this movie for a while. But then one character that changed my whole point of view.
What character was this? Was it Steve Carrell? Nat Faxon? Jim Rash? No. The character that truly saved this movie is Sam Rockwell's. His character was HILARIOUS. He was well-written, surprisingly developed, and, as you may expect from a Sam Rockwell character, was portrayed perfectly. Not many actors could say so much nonsense so fast without breaking character, but Sam Rockwell, one of the greatest actors of our generation, does it beautifully.
This was one of the sad Steve Carrell movies, and honestly, it's one of the better ones. I think the only one that beats it out is Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, since I don't really have much else to say about this movie except that I give it a B and that Jim Rash and Rob Corddry's characters were surprisingly terrible, I think I'm going to leave it at that and start working on a Stank-Ass Ranking for the sad Steve Carrell movies. But first, I just want to say that this is a classic example of why you should never judge a movie by its poster. Although the posters for this one are actually pretty accurate. You know what? That's a bad metaphor. Movie good. See it.
What character was this? Was it Steve Carrell? Nat Faxon? Jim Rash? No. The character that truly saved this movie is Sam Rockwell's. His character was HILARIOUS. He was well-written, surprisingly developed, and, as you may expect from a Sam Rockwell character, was portrayed perfectly. Not many actors could say so much nonsense so fast without breaking character, but Sam Rockwell, one of the greatest actors of our generation, does it beautifully.
This was one of the sad Steve Carrell movies, and honestly, it's one of the better ones. I think the only one that beats it out is Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, since I don't really have much else to say about this movie except that I give it a B and that Jim Rash and Rob Corddry's characters were surprisingly terrible, I think I'm going to leave it at that and start working on a Stank-Ass Ranking for the sad Steve Carrell movies. But first, I just want to say that this is a classic example of why you should never judge a movie by its poster. Although the posters for this one are actually pretty accurate. You know what? That's a bad metaphor. Movie good. See it.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Stank-Ass Ranking: The X-Men Movies
Well, The Wolverine came out this weekend, so now seems like a perfect time to rank the X-Men movies. Now, keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion that basically everyone else who's seen these movies shares. Seriously, besides the order of the first two, I can't imagine why any X-Men fan would disagree with any of this. Anyway, on with the list!
#1: X2: X-Men United
Oh, yeah. This is what I'm talking about. X2, one of the best superhero movies of all time. What can I say about X2. It's a great movie. It's big. It's powerful. It's dramatic. It's funny. It's dark. It's just everything you could want in a superhero movie. Was it the best superhero movie of all time? No, that honor goes to The Dark Knight. But it's up there. It's way up there.
#2: X-Men
What kick-started the comic book movie revolution? Some say it was Blade. Others say Spider-Man. Some even trace the modern-day comic book movie all the way back to Men in Black. So, whatever it is, it's a Marvel movie. But in my opinion, the first movie that truly defined the modern comic book movie was none other than X-Men. At the time, people didn't know what to make of it. Some people treated it like a gift from God. Others thought it too strange for their sensibilities. But one thing was for sure. It was the start of a revolution. Every superhero movie started using this new formula, some successfully (Spider-Man franchise, Amazing Spider-Man franchise, Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Dark Knight trilogy) and others... not so much (Daredevil, Catwoman, 50% of X-Men movies). If it weren't for this movie, there wouldn't have been a comic book revolution, and we would never have the five superhero movies a year we're so used to.
#3: The Wolverine
For those of you who haven't seen my review of this movie, which is crazy, because I put it up yesterday, The Wolverine is decent. It's good. It's not a great movie like the two above, and it's not a terrible movie like the three below. It's just alright. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from hating this movie, and the only thing that made it better than Man of Steel, was Wolverine himself. Nothing else about the movie was phenomenal, just good ol' Logan. And that's all I need.
#4: X-Men: First Class
Now, for some reason, a lot of people seem to think this movie is good. In fact, it has the highest rating of all the X-Men movies on Rotten Tomatoes. I don't see why. It's terrible. The acting isn't very good, it completely throws away what happened in the last four movies, the ending is ridiculous, the middle is ridiculous, the beginning is... fine, actually, but it doesn't make up for the rest of this piece of shit! Almost all of the characters are SO ANNOYING, and there's just too much bullshit in it for me to enjoy it at all. While it is the best of the bad X-Men movies, it's still bad.
#5: X3: The Last Stand
Oh, boy. Here we go. These final two spots were a real toss-up because they're both SO TERRIBLE. But before I talk about this endless swamp of shit, I want to defend Brett Ratner. Not everything he makes is bad. He made Horrible Bosses and "Prison Break" and Rush Hour and... nothing else that is good. Alright, he's pretty bad. But he's not that bad. This, however, is that bad. It's not that it has bad actors or even a bad plot. It's the same problem that the next movie on the list has, and the same problem that Green Lantern had. It's TERRIBLY WRITTEN. It's unfunny, it doesn't make sense, the writing is SO BAD that it makes this movie one of the worst in the superhero genre. And the worst X-Men movie of all time is...
#6: X-Men Origins: Wolverine
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the worst movies of all time. The movie that introduced about twenty new X-Men characters and ruined them all. I'm dead serious. Just look at them. In the comics, Gambit can hypnotize people, make things EXPLODE, create static electricity, and harness the power of kinetic and potential energy. In the movies, they turned him into a guy with a jacket who can make things stronger. What does that mean? You figure it out. Another prime example is Deadpool, who is the funniest thing ever in the comics, he can't even speak once he becomes Deadpool. That is a crime against humanity. The very thought of portraying Deadpool as a character that can't speak is just ludicrous. They say that he will break the fourth wall in the upcoming movie, like he does in the comics, which indicates that he will HAVE A FUCKING MOUTH. Thank God. Also, tell Him to DESTROY EVERY LAST COPY OF THIS PIECE OF CINEMATIC SHIT!
I've decided that I will put out a review of The Way, Way Back this week. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Story is end!
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Review: Wolverine is Confusing, Predictable, and Dark. But Good.
Well, Days of Future Past is less than a year away, and I'm finally getting excited about it. Why, you may ask? The Wolverine. You see, most X-Men movies fall into one of two categories, the great and the terrible. In fact, it's even more simple than that. Every X-Men movie from before 2005 is great, and every X-Men movie from after 2005 is terrible. But now it seems the curse has been broken. Or at least, retooled. You see, Wolverine is good. Not really good, in fact it's about as good as Man of Steel, but still good. So, what does this mean? Has the X-Men curse finally been broken, or has it been changed so that every X-Men movie from 2005 to 2012 is bad, and every movie before and after those years, respectively, is good? Read on to find out.
Let's start with what's good about this movie. A lot. But as you may expect from a Wolverine movie, my favorite part was Logan. He was funny, he was cool, he was the all-around badass you were hoping for. I think people were expecting him to be turned into a wuss, like Iron Man 3. Not that Iron Man 3 was bad. But the good news is, that didn't happen. Even when he didn't have his healing powers, he cut his own chest and pulled a spider off of his heart. THAT is Wolverine. Like I said three lines up, he was also hilarious. His Clint Eastwood demeanor and sarcastic remarks had the whole audience laughing out loud. But not all his jokes went over very well. Remember that "Fuck you, Sally" line from Oblivion? You know, the only good part of the movie? Well, this movie had basically the same joke. But it wasn't funny.
Now, let's talk about Viper. She seems to be one of the things people complain the most about when it comes to this movie. And they have all the right to. She sucked. They took one of the most interesting X-Men villainesses and turned her into Serleena from Men in Black 2. I mean, literally. She is almost exactly like Serleena. She's also a mutant in this movie. Yep. Viper is a mutant. They actually made Viper into a mutant who could poison people by kissing them and shed her skin like a lizard. For those of you who don't know, Viper is not a mutant in the comics. She's just a really smart gymnast. Those two people don't sound very similar at all, do they?
Also, it was predictable. And confusing. And slow at times. Did I mention confusing? It was really confusing. Especially in the third act, where Wolverine didn't have his powers, and then he did have them, and then Yashida had them, but he didn't, he was just about to have them, and then... Yeah, it was really confusing. Also, Silver Samurai is in it. It was supposed to be some kind of big reveal when Yashida becomes the Silver Samurai, but anyone who knows who the Silver Samurai is would know that from the start.
That brings me to my final gripe. It was predictable. Really, really predictable. There was nothing in this movie I didn't expect. Everything that happened was built up to in not-so-subtle ways. It was awful. But it was good. Believe it or not, I actually really liked this movie. Well, let me rephrase that. I liked this movie. It was fine. I'd say it was a B-. It certainly isn't the best X-Men movie (X2), but it certainly is the most recent good one.
So, that's The Wolverine. Not great, not bad. Oh, also, there was an after-credits scene. And it was awesome. You see, it takes place two years after the end of the movie, for some reason. Logan is at an airport, for some reason. Seriously, why aren't they explaining anything? Anyway, he begins to notice that coins and keys and other small metals are getting all wonky. That's when Magneto shows up. He tells Logan that he needs his help to stop a new enemy to all of mutantkind. Wolvy asks him why he should trust him, to which Magneto says to look around. He finds that time has stopped. This is when, from behind a corner, Professor X shows up. The explanation for why he's not dead? He has special powers. That's all. Now, just from reading this description, you might not be that thrilled by the post-credits scene. But trust me, it was awesome. Even though the hype has been building for months, this is the first thing that actually got me excited for DoFP. So, that's going to be good, but is the curse truly broken?
Well, the next two X-Men movies after it will likely be Deadpool and X-Force. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Deadpool sucked, but if he's written well, and the character is totally revamped, his solo movie could work. I wish I could say what I thought about X-Force, but I don't know which X-Force it's going to be. However, I will be releasing a list of the current X-Men movies, in order from best to worst, later this week. There will also be a review of either Smurfs 2 or RIPD later this week, and probably no reviews next week. I'll think of something to write about, but there won't be any good movies out. Maybe I'll do a Late Entry for RED 2 if it works out.
Story is end!
Let's start with what's good about this movie. A lot. But as you may expect from a Wolverine movie, my favorite part was Logan. He was funny, he was cool, he was the all-around badass you were hoping for. I think people were expecting him to be turned into a wuss, like Iron Man 3. Not that Iron Man 3 was bad. But the good news is, that didn't happen. Even when he didn't have his healing powers, he cut his own chest and pulled a spider off of his heart. THAT is Wolverine. Like I said three lines up, he was also hilarious. His Clint Eastwood demeanor and sarcastic remarks had the whole audience laughing out loud. But not all his jokes went over very well. Remember that "Fuck you, Sally" line from Oblivion? You know, the only good part of the movie? Well, this movie had basically the same joke. But it wasn't funny.
Now, let's talk about Viper. She seems to be one of the things people complain the most about when it comes to this movie. And they have all the right to. She sucked. They took one of the most interesting X-Men villainesses and turned her into Serleena from Men in Black 2. I mean, literally. She is almost exactly like Serleena. She's also a mutant in this movie. Yep. Viper is a mutant. They actually made Viper into a mutant who could poison people by kissing them and shed her skin like a lizard. For those of you who don't know, Viper is not a mutant in the comics. She's just a really smart gymnast. Those two people don't sound very similar at all, do they?
Also, it was predictable. And confusing. And slow at times. Did I mention confusing? It was really confusing. Especially in the third act, where Wolverine didn't have his powers, and then he did have them, and then Yashida had them, but he didn't, he was just about to have them, and then... Yeah, it was really confusing. Also, Silver Samurai is in it. It was supposed to be some kind of big reveal when Yashida becomes the Silver Samurai, but anyone who knows who the Silver Samurai is would know that from the start.
That brings me to my final gripe. It was predictable. Really, really predictable. There was nothing in this movie I didn't expect. Everything that happened was built up to in not-so-subtle ways. It was awful. But it was good. Believe it or not, I actually really liked this movie. Well, let me rephrase that. I liked this movie. It was fine. I'd say it was a B-. It certainly isn't the best X-Men movie (X2), but it certainly is the most recent good one.
So, that's The Wolverine. Not great, not bad. Oh, also, there was an after-credits scene. And it was awesome. You see, it takes place two years after the end of the movie, for some reason. Logan is at an airport, for some reason. Seriously, why aren't they explaining anything? Anyway, he begins to notice that coins and keys and other small metals are getting all wonky. That's when Magneto shows up. He tells Logan that he needs his help to stop a new enemy to all of mutantkind. Wolvy asks him why he should trust him, to which Magneto says to look around. He finds that time has stopped. This is when, from behind a corner, Professor X shows up. The explanation for why he's not dead? He has special powers. That's all. Now, just from reading this description, you might not be that thrilled by the post-credits scene. But trust me, it was awesome. Even though the hype has been building for months, this is the first thing that actually got me excited for DoFP. So, that's going to be good, but is the curse truly broken?
Well, the next two X-Men movies after it will likely be Deadpool and X-Force. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Deadpool sucked, but if he's written well, and the character is totally revamped, his solo movie could work. I wish I could say what I thought about X-Force, but I don't know which X-Force it's going to be. However, I will be releasing a list of the current X-Men movies, in order from best to worst, later this week. There will also be a review of either Smurfs 2 or RIPD later this week, and probably no reviews next week. I'll think of something to write about, but there won't be any good movies out. Maybe I'll do a Late Entry for RED 2 if it works out.
Story is end!
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