Monday, April 29, 2013

Seeing Robots For the First Time in Years

I thoroughly enjoyed the movie Robots when I was a kid. I don't remember why, I just remember it being a very good movie. My grandmother was over for my other grandmother's birthday. She was staying at my house. My little sister and I decided to have a movie night, just like old times. Unfortunately, nothing was showing at a convenient time, so we decided to buy a movie at Target, buy some movie snacks, and have our own little movie night in our basement. While we were there, My brother and I were perusing the DVD section looking for a good family movie to see (my sister is 8), when we came across Robots. I personally wanted to get Roger Rabbit, but Ben (not his real name) insisted on Robots. I thought we should keep an open mind and see what other movies they had. Nope, Robots. I eventually caved in and decided to see Robots again.
It sucked.
You may think I'm exaggerating for comedic effect. You may think that the movie had some redeeming qualities to it. Nope. It was in reality one of the worst movies I've ever seen, right up there with Batman and Robin, North, and Twilight. It was the worst shit I've seen in an animated movie; it was worse than Shrek Forever After or WALL-E. Yes, I hated WALL-E. I'll talk about that another time.
So, what did I hate so much about this movie? Well, the jokes were stupid, the plot was barely there, the animation was off, and the universe itself was terrifying and confusing. Now, was there anything I liked about this movie? Yes. Actually, no. There wasn't. Never mind.
Let's start with the jokes. I'm starting with them because they were essentially the whole purpose of the movie. The whole reason this movie was put together was to make some robot puns. And you know what? They were stupid. I laughed maybe 5 times in the entire course of the movie. That wasn't nearly the worst part, though.
The plot just didn't make any sense. From what I could gather, the main character, Rodney, went to the big city to meet his hero and follow his dreams, only to find that the former has mysteriously vanished. He goes searching for him, and he finds him in the FIRST PLACE HE LOOKS. I'm not kidding. When I was watching this movie, I thought that search would take up most of it, and the climax would come shortly after. Nope, they found him in literally the first place they looked: IN HIS HOUSE. Anyway, the company has been taken over, though it's never explained how, by an evil robot who is trying to make money. HOW ABSURD! Rodney beats him in the end, and that is all there is to say about it.
Now let's talk about the animation. I don't know what it is, I just found something a bit disturbing about how this film was animated. The animation was only mediocre, but there was something else about all the scenery that really annoyed me. I can't quite put my finger on it, but the whole atmosphere of this place just seems off.
Which brings us to the worst part of the movie, the world itself. There are so many disturbing or illogical things about this world. For example, all the people are robots, but they also have smaller robots to do their work for them. Is this slavery? Next, in the beginning of the movie, it shows Rodney's parents putting together a baby Rodney, then giving him different parts and voice chips slowly over time. Why not just build an adult? You're basically wasting years upon years. Also, as it's pointed out several times throughout the film, the robots have genitalia. Why? No reason at all. But that's not the messed up part. In the climactic battle scene that is followed by two or three more climactic battle scenes, Fender, voiced by Robin Williams, loses his legs. He finds another pair of legs to wear... and they're a woman's legs. This means that for the last half hour of the film or so, he has female genitalia. This is a kids' movie, by the way. The most disturbing part, and yes, this does mean there is something more disturbing than Robin Williams going through an instant sex change, is one of the supporting characters who lost his voice chip. He spends a majority of the movie looking for a new one. The chip is somehow inserted via swallowing. At one point during the movie, the character is rummaging through garbage looking for a voice chip, when he finds one. He swallows it, and immediately starts behaving like a dog. In another part, he finds a different voice chip, swallows it, and immediately starts acting like Darth Vader. Think about that for a little bit. Isn't it horrifying?
End transmission.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

My Thoughts While Seeing "Oblivion"

Hello, I'm JD Goldman, the founder of Reviews For Normal People Inc., LLC, TTYL, BBC, MP3, JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? I founded this website on the notion that most people enjoy comedy and action movies more than any other genre, and yet most critics are quite the opposite. So, I decided to make a website where movies are reviewed through the eyes of a normal guy. The following were my thoughts while watching the movie "Oblivion."

Movie starting
If this part takes place in the present day, why is it black and white?
"Victoria and I were assigned together?" Sounds like Scientology to me.
How come there's a giant crater in the pentagon, but the Washington monument is just leaning a little?
Tom cruise sure has a lot of teeth. Maybe he gets a new one for every divorce.
Where the hell did he get a bobble head of himself?
Ladies and gentlemen, the all new apple iDrone.
So, so far this is about Tom Cruise flying his marvelous mechanical penis.
The last Super Bowl was in New Orleans?
Seriously though, where the hell are they?
Why does everyone in the future wear goggley steam punk sunglasses?
If this is New York, why are there mountains and cliffs and boats?
I have a bad feeling that they're never going to explain any of this
I feel a twist coming on!
Teehee, "lays"
That debris up in the sky looks like something went most of the way through the moon, then decided to turn and go somewhere else.
Why are so many Tom Cruise characters named jack?
What is the point of hovering right over a fjord? It obviously too some effort to get the ship in that position.
Isn't it convenient that they had an expensive computer table to do exactly what they needed it to do?
That's not New York at all!
The scale of this... Fire thing seems to change at random.
Didn't she JUST say that she didn't have eyes on him?
Wait, I'm confused, is she British?
Did they just have slippers lying around?
And then there are the other guys.
We're almost halfway through the movie; when is the story going to start?
Finally, we're actually getting somewhere in this piece of shit.
This is starting to look like a video game commercial.
Andy Dufresne wrote that.
Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman's noses are opposites.
Where did all that dirt come from?
I am ACTING in this film! Are you enjoying my ACTING?
Aren't these such emotional characters that we are ACTING as?
I'm sure there are some cool cameos in this flashback, but I don't give a fuck.
Even the tears are CGI.
The past five or six minutes have been so action packed, they didn't have time for logic!
What the fuck was that triangle thing?!
It's time to play: WHERE'S THE PLOT? Can you find any semblance of plot in these past few minutes? No? That's correct! You win!
Did that ship just leave an outline I itself in smoke? When did this become a Looney Tunes video game?
Twists for everyone! On me! You get a twist, you get a twist, everyone gets a twist!
Maybe jack is a looper!
(Inception horns)
What happened to Morgan Freeman? Was that subplot totally unconnected to the story?
We are nearing the conclusion of m ACTING. I hope you have enjoyed this ACTING that I am doing in this SCIENCE FICTION FILM.
They still haven't explained 80-90% of my questions.
They are just now explaining all of this confusing bullshit, 1.5 hours into the film
How much?
Which flavor?
In how many directions?
🎵 Where are the drones? Send in the drones 🎵
With what accent?
The movie's about to end, but it doesn't seem like they really resolved anything.
I smell a sequel! I won't see one, but I smell one.
I don't get it… do I even need to say that at this point?
Every resolution just makes ten more questions.
Why are those diamond shapes everywhere? It just seems to be a common 2Xth century shape.
Holy shit! We getting 1984 up in this bitch!
It just doesn't make any sense.
Not a story, a "lay."
So, he left her back on 
Earth to die?
The only good part of the movie has passed, now it's just more confusing bullshit.
It's ok, Sally. There are a thousand other Jacks that are all identical.
Why did he say "I am him" out loud but the rest in his head?

I'd say that my final response to this movie is simply, "No."
P.S. About that fucking awesome part at the end, Tom Cruise was talking to HAL Sally, the evil robot that created him (Not the evil robot that actually created Tom Cruise, just a CGI robot that created Tom Cruise's character. Sally was all like, "Ooh, I'm your god, I created you and stuff," and then Tom Cruise was all like, "Fuck you, Sally," and then he BLEW UP THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIP and escaped. That was the movie's only saving grace.