Sunday, April 21, 2013

My Thoughts While Seeing "Oblivion"

Hello, I'm JD Goldman, the founder of Reviews For Normal People Inc., LLC, TTYL, BBC, MP3, JFK, blown away, what else do I have to say? I founded this website on the notion that most people enjoy comedy and action movies more than any other genre, and yet most critics are quite the opposite. So, I decided to make a website where movies are reviewed through the eyes of a normal guy. The following were my thoughts while watching the movie "Oblivion."

2:02 
Movie starting
If this part takes place in the present day, why is it black and white?
2:03
"Victoria and I were assigned together?" Sounds like Scientology to me.
2:04 
How come there's a giant crater in the pentagon, but the Washington monument is just leaning a little?
2:05
Tom cruise sure has a lot of teeth. Maybe he gets a new one for every divorce.
2:07
Where the hell did he get a bobble head of himself?
2:08
Ladies and gentlemen, the all new apple iDrone.
2:10
So, so far this is about Tom Cruise flying his marvelous mechanical penis.
2:11
The last Super Bowl was in New Orleans?
2:15
Seriously though, where the hell are they?
2:17
Why does everyone in the future wear goggley steam punk sunglasses?
2:18
If this is New York, why are there mountains and cliffs and boats?
2:21
I have a bad feeling that they're never going to explain any of this
2:24
I feel a twist coming on!
2:25
Teehee, "lays"
2:27
That debris up in the sky looks like something went most of the way through the moon, then decided to turn and go somewhere else.
2:29
Why are so many Tom Cruise characters named jack?
2:31
What is the point of hovering right over a fjord? It obviously too some effort to get the ship in that position.
2:34
Isn't it convenient that they had an expensive computer table to do exactly what they needed it to do?
2:35
That's not New York at all!
2:40
The scale of this... Fire thing seems to change at random.
2:41
Didn't she JUST say that she didn't have eyes on him?
2:44
Wait, I'm confused, is she British?
2:46
Did they just have slippers lying around?
2:47
And then there are the other guys.
2:50
We're almost halfway through the movie; when is the story going to start?
2:55
Finally, we're actually getting somewhere in this piece of shit.
This is starting to look like a video game commercial.
2:56
Andy Dufresne wrote that.
2:58
Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman's noses are opposites.
3:04
Where did all that dirt come from?
3:05
I am ACTING in this film! Are you enjoying my ACTING?
3:07
Aren't these such emotional characters that we are ACTING as?
3:09
I'm sure there are some cool cameos in this flashback, but I don't give a fuck.
3:09
Even the tears are CGI.
3:12
The past five or six minutes have been so action packed, they didn't have time for logic!
3:14
What the fuck was that triangle thing?!
3:17
It's time to play: WHERE'S THE PLOT? Can you find any semblance of plot in these past few minutes? No? That's correct! You win!
3:19
Did that ship just leave an outline I itself in smoke? When did this become a Looney Tunes video game?
3:20
Twists for everyone! On me! You get a twist, you get a twist, everyone gets a twist!
3:24
Whatthefuckwhatthefuckwhatthefuck
3:25
Maybe jack is a looper!
(Inception horns)
3:27
What happened to Morgan Freeman? Was that subplot totally unconnected to the story?
3:30
We are nearing the conclusion of m ACTING. I hope you have enjoyed this ACTING that I am doing in this SCIENCE FICTION FILM.
3:32
They still haven't explained 80-90% of my questions.
3:36
They are just now explaining all of this confusing bullshit, 1.5 hours into the film
3:39
What?
3:40
Why?
3:40
How much?
3:40
Which flavor?
3:42
In how many directions?
3:43
🎵 Where are the drones? Send in the drones 🎵
3:44
With what accent?
3:45
The movie's about to end, but it doesn't seem like they really resolved anything.
3:46
I smell a sequel! I won't see one, but I smell one.
3:49
I don't get it… do I even need to say that at this point?
3:51
Every resolution just makes ten more questions.
3:52
Why are those diamond shapes everywhere? It just seems to be a common 2Xth century shape.
3:53
Holy shit! We getting 1984 up in this bitch!
3:55
It just doesn't make any sense.
3:55
Not a story, a "lay."
Teehee.
3:57
So, he left her back on 
HOLY SHIT THAT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!
Earth to die?
3:58
The only good part of the movie has passed, now it's just more confusing bullshit.
3:59
It's ok, Sally. There are a thousand other Jacks that are all identical.
4:00
Why did he say "I am him" out loud but the rest in his head?

I'd say that my final response to this movie is simply, "No."
FINAL GRADE: D+
P.S. About that fucking awesome part at the end, Tom Cruise was talking to HAL Sally, the evil robot that created him (Not the evil robot that actually created Tom Cruise, just a CGI robot that created Tom Cruise's character. Sally was all like, "Ooh, I'm your god, I created you and stuff," and then Tom Cruise was all like, "Fuck you, Sally," and then he BLEW UP THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIP and escaped. That was the movie's only saving grace.