Tuesday, December 3, 2013


I have about 160 pageviews from Russia on this old blog. You know how many I have on my new one? 0. SERIOUSLY. GO TO normalreview.wordpress.com. NOW. DO IT.

Monday, August 26, 2013


14 people visited this blog on Saturday. FOURTEEN. Go to my other blog! NOW! normalreview.wordpress.com. GO!

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

New Site

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm upgrading. I'm switching sites and moving to Wordpress. You can see new (and old) posts at normalreview.wordpress.com. I'm in the process of moving all my articles and deleting them. Good day.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Review: Jobs

I may have a Planes review up this week, the mystery article should be done tomorrow, a very special Eminem review coming later this week, as well as a retrospective on Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz in preparation for The World's End. World's End review out next week, followed by a Stank-Ass Ranking of the Batman movies.
End transmission.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Break It Down: The Curious Case of Foodfight!

   Hello and welcome to a new series I call "Break it Down," in which I break down some of Hollywood's more... peculiar cases and talk about what went wrong (or right). And what better way to start than with Foodfight!, a movie you have probably never heard of, even though it has an all-star cast and took ten years to make. There is so much to say about this movie, it's hard to decide where to begin. So, let's start with a summary.
   The movie is kinda like Toy Story, except in a grocery store and with much worse animation. The movie has a pretty impressive cast, including line-owner/deal-maker Wayne Brady and Christopher Lloyd, who was frozen today. The movie also features Charlie Sheen, Hilary and Haylie Duff, Chris Kattan, Larry Miller, Eva Longoria, Ed Asner, Jerry Stiller, Christine Baranski, Cloris Leachman, Edie McClurg, and Greg Ellis. Now, you're starting to see why it wasn't successful.
   Now, let's look at some history. The movie was made by Threshold Entertainment, a company that mostly makes theme park attractions, but has also produced several LEGO movies. This is the company behind most of the movie. I say "most" because the movie was actually auctioned off in 2011, and it was only then that it finally saw the light of day. The idea for this movie started with Larry Kasanoff, who is most notable, I repeat, MOST NOTABLE for the Mortal Kombat movies and TV shows. He also produced True Lies.
   Anyway, back in 2001, Kasanoff had the bright idea to start his own animation studio. The intention being to make a Toy Story rip-off following the success of Toy Story 2. Yep. This movie, which didn't come out until THIS YEAR, was meant to ride the Toy Story 2 wave. I guess they assumed that Toy Story 3 would be coming out around the time Foodfight! was complete. I mean, it's not like it was going to take eleven years to make either of those movies, right?
   But wait, there's more! This is an actual quote from an interview with Kasanoff from 2002, a full ten years before there was even a trailer for the movie, in Animation Magazine: "In terms of coming to have an independent digital animation studio making a digitally animated movie right now, I think we're pretty much it. We've got the movie, we've got the property, the place, the equipment, the talent, we're there. Do we believe our next movie, Foodfight!, is going to be a huge hit? Of course we do!" Did you let out an audible sigh when you read that? I did. Oh, and guess what? Kasanoff also wrote and directed it! Sound familiar?
Hi, I'm Tommy Wiseau. And this is my Tommy Wi-show!

   Before I move on, let's talk about plot. And yes, it's time for another AUDIBLE SIGH. Foodfight! centers around a supermarket that becomes a sprawling magical city when it's closed, and all the products come to life. The hero of the story is an Indiana Jones-like dog voiced by Charlie Sheen. Hold your sighs! His girlfriend, Sunshine Goodness (Hilary Duff) gets kidnapped by the evil Brand X, played by Eva Longoria, and therefore he must save her. Alright, take a deep breath now, because it's sighing time. What is the name of this heroic dog? DEX DOGTECTIVE. Get it? 'Cause he's a dog? And a detective? And Dex is a first name? I trust that by this point you've said the word "Why" at least 13 times, so let's take a step back and get back to the history.
   The movie caught the eye of an advertising watchdog called Commercial Alert in 2001. The group was against the movie's blatant product placement throughout. CA had all the right to be upset, as the movie name-dropped famous brands like Cap'n Crunch, Energizer, Starkist Tuna, Mr. Clean, Coca-Cola, M&Ms, Skittles, and Spam. A member of the group named Gary Ruskin remarked, "It raises the commercial assault on children to a new level of brazenness. Some people would stoop to any level to make a buck and sadly, Foodfight! is an example." This quote is a good example of something being entirely true and total bullshit at the same time.
   Foodfight! featured references to 80 products or so, but Kasanoff still insisted that there was more to this movie than just a prolonged advertisement. What was the logic behind this argument? No logic at all. "In the digital world," he told Time Magazine in 2002, "you're hard-pressed to find the difference between Mr. Clean and Arnold Schwarzenegger." No logic at all.
   In spite of this controversy, and the fact that it's a terrible idea, Foodfight! moved forward with a budget of- get this- 65 million dollars. Threshold had big plans for the movie, sparing no expense on the voice actors and talking about video game tie-ins, toys, and even a webshow to accompany the movie's release. Remember, this was in 2002. Ten years before the completion of the movie. But wait, it's worse than that. It's MUCH worse than that. They actually RELEASED some of this stuff. Everything from DVDs to coloring books to awful, awful toys. This movie somehow had enough of a budget that they were able to release toys and coloring books as tie-ins. Just so we're clear, THIS is the movie I'm talking about.
This movie came out THIS YEAR.

   I'm sorry, I'm just trying to emphasize how FUCKING FRUSTRATED I am with the effort that went in to this piece of shit. And it's worse because Kasanoff was so sure it was going to be the greatest movie ever that it's really sad. For example, here's a quote of his from 2005. "This is the most complex digitally animated film ever undertaken, with thousands of different characters and hundreds of sets. We've searched the world for the best talent and have found extraordinary 3D animation talent in a number of different countries." My god, he even talks like Tommy Wiseau.
   You may wonder why this movie turned out so poorly even though so much time and money went into it. Well, I think that all started in 2002, when it dropped off the face of the Earth. You see, a few hard drives, containing all the footage of the movie, were stolen and leaked, thus creating mass hysteria at Threshold Entertainment. Before this event, Foodfight! was going to be released in theaters in 2005, distributed by Lionsgate. Why Kasanoff was so gung-ho about it even after they had to start from scratch, I have no idea.
   Well, actually I kind of do. You see, that quote where he says it's going to be the best thing ever, which I will confirm false in just a moment, is really the only thing anyone said about Foodfight! up until 2011. What happened in 2011, you may ask? Well, a small ad appeared in a Hollywood Reporter that said, "Notice of public sale." That's right, Foodfight! was up for auction. The starting price was $2,500,000. To stress just how ridiculous this price is, here's the trailer for the movie.
   By the power of Greyskull, this is the worst thing I've ever seen. I mean, it is bad by every definition. In fact, I'm going to prove it. I'm going to look up every definition of "bad" on Dictionary.com and see if they all fit this trailer. Alright, it looks like there are 36 non-slang definitions of the adjective form. Not good in any manner or degree? Check. Morally reprehensible? Check. Of poor or inferior quality? Check. Inadequate or below standard? Check check check. Inaccurate, incorrect, or faulty? Yep. Invalid, unsound, or false? Tough call, but I'm gonna say yes. Liable to cause sickness or ill health? Yes. Sick, ill, or injured? Wayne Brady must have been if he agreed to do this movie. Not in good physical condition; decayed? Yes. Spoiled to the point of being inedible? Kind of a technicality, but yes. Having a disastrous or detrimental effect? Yes. Causing or characterized by discomfort? Absolutely. Easily provoked to anger? Alright, that one's a no. 12 to 1. Cross, irritable, or surly? Yeah. More uncomfortable, persistent, painful, or dangerous than usual? FUCK YES. Causing disaster or severe damage/distruction? Yep. Regretful? Hopefully. Naughty or misbehaving? Yes. Dishonorable? OOOOOOOOH, YEAH. Displaying a lack of skill or talent? You tell me. Causing distress? Definitely. Not suitable? Yeah. Unpleasantly hot, cold, stormy, etc? I don't know what they mean by "etc," so I'm going to give it a yes. Offensive to the senses? Most definitely. Exhibiting a lack of artistic sensibility? That is the perfect description of this trailer. Not in keeping with a standard of behavior or conduct? Yes. Vulgar or obscene? Yeah. Not properly observing the rules of grammar or spelling? The title has an exclamation point. Unattractive? Yes. Marred by defects? Yes. Not profitable or worth the price paid? EXACTLY. Deemed uncollectible and treated as a loss? Pretty much, yeah. Ill-spent or wasted? Yup. Counterfeit, not genuine? Yes. Villainous? Believe it or not, I'm going to give that a yes. If you've seen the trailer, you probably agree. Not well aimed (Sports)? Basically. There you have it, folks. 36 unironic definitions of bad and only one of them doesn't fit this trailer or the movie/actors it revolves around. This is truly a great achievement in bad filmmaking.
   Foodfight!'s troubled past is quite obvious in every frame of this awful, awful trailer. It almost seems cruel to make fun of it, like making fun of a mentally challenged child with an abusive father. But the fact of the matter is that the stolen footage and rushed production don't explain how shittily this trailer turned out. Seriously, just look at it. The Sims has better animation than this! And that's the least of the problems. Alright, it's not the least. But it's not the most, either. I'd say the main problem with this movie is that it's HORRIBLY WRITTEN. Literally. This writing is able to make you tremble. Just look at some of these lines! "Frankly my dear, I don't give a Spam." And it's full of fart jokes and innuendo and stereotypes and EVERYTHING THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE WRONG WITH A CHILDREN'S MOVIE. Not to mention the Nazi allusions and sexualized female characters. All this and more make this trailer and the movie it represents simply one of the worst things ever.
   Getting back to the story, some poor sucker actually backed Foodfight!, and it got a small UK release this year. It grossed about £13,000 before going to DVD all over Europe. This movie took so long to make that it OUTLASTED ITS MOST PROMINENT ADVERTISER, HOSTESS. The fact that this movie was even released makes me sick to my stomach. It's an ugly, unimaginative, hateful piece of shit that doesn't have any substance in it whatsoever. However, the movie does have one thing going for it: it has a very unique backstory.
I will try to have a Planes review out this week. "Survival" review and Three Flavors retrospective imminent. Next week, I'll rank the Batman movies and review The World's End. Until then...
End transmission.

Friday, August 16, 2013

Review: Kick-Ass 2 Kicks Ass. 2.

   Ever since this blog became (a little) popular, people have been asking me what my favorite movies are. And while I'd rather wait until I'm actually popular before I make a list, rest assured, Kick-Ass 2 would be somewhere in the top ten.
   Now, you may be asking, "Say whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?" And you have all the right to. After all, the movie just came out today and has an abysmal 28% on Rotten Tomatoes, so it may seem a bit odd for me to call it one of the greatest movies ever made. First of all, a word of advice. The audience rating is often more helpful in deciding whether you would like a movie or not. In that category, the movie has an 81%, with an average rating of 4/5. Second of all, it's...

Fucking awesooooooooome

   Why? Because it's practically perfect in every way. I think I have maybe one complaint about this movie, and that's that it gets a little too serious in the second act. Dave's father dies, everyone Chris ever loved dies, et cetera. But that's just a meaningless gripe and doesn't really affect my opinion of the movie very much.
   So, what did it get right? Well, everything. It was funny, it was action-packed, it was gory to a hilarious extent, it had a lot of good drama and only a little bad drama (see previous paragraph) and it's a great continuation of the Kick-Ass storyline.
   The movie goes like this: Dave has retired as a superhero, but wants to get back into the game. Mindy helps him at first, working out with him, giving him some sweet gear, and helping him to stop a couple of muggers who mug him. But in a cruel twist, Mindy's guardian (Nicolas Cage died in the first movie, in case you forgot) doesn't want her to be Hit-Girl anymore. Also, in an unrelated yet still cruel twist, Chris throws a fit and hits her mom's tanning booth with a bat while screaming, "I wish you were dead," inadvertently killing her. This leaves his butler, Javier (John Leguizamo) in charge of him. While rummaging through his mother's stuff, Chris finds a... gimp suit of his father's and fashions it into a supervillain costume, becoming the unfortunately-named Motherfucker. His goal: to kill Kick-Ass.
   After Mindy confirms her retirement, Kick-Ass is forced to find a new partner. He finds another real-life superhero, who shall remain nameless because I forgot his name, and he in turn brings Kick-Ass into a whole group of superheroes, coincidentally including his best friend Marty. After a few nearly pointless but very well handled subplots, we reach the big climax, where Hit-Girl and Kick-Ass team up with all the real-life superheroes in New York to fight (what else?) all the real-life supervillains in New York. In the end, Chris is eaten by a shark (don't ask), Mindy moves away, and Dave, in his narration, makes it seem like he's going to retire as a crime-fighter, then that he's not, then the movie ends.
   Now, I'm going to rip off pay homage to the Blockbuster Buster by going over my favorite line, favorite scene, and favorite character. First up, favorite line. This is pretty hard, because there are a lot of great lines in this movie, most of them from Hit-Girl. My favorite line, not surprisingly one of hers, comes from the aforementioned scene where Mindy helps Dave defend himself from a group of thugs. This scene, like most of the action sequences, is very bloody. It's almost funny how gory it is. Mindy, threatens to cut a man's hand off if they ever commit a crime again. The thug says, "I promise." Mindy then cuts off the guy's hand and says, "Pants on fire." This line pretty perfectly sums up Mindy's entire character. She's a bad-ass who doesn't take shit from anyone, and yet you can tell even just from reading her lines that she is still a teenager and is far from mature.
   My favorite scene? That's a pretty tricky one. There are a lot of great scenes, like the death of Colonel Stars and Stripes (more on him in a minute), a dog eating a man's testicles, the previously mentioned mugging scene, and Mindy's cheerleading tryout. But if I had to choose a favorite scene, it would be the climax. This scene is just so well-handled and such a great way to tie the entire series together, it's kind of amazing. It may be one of the greatest scenes ever put to film. It's funny, it's dark, it's action-packed, it's funny, it's gory, it's funny, and DAMN is it funny. Almost all of the characters are so well-developed throughout the film, and in some cases the previous film, that you can tell them all apart and decide which characters you like best with ease. It's truly remarkable, and the ending where Chris is eaten by the shark is hilarious.
   That's another thing I like about this movie. It keeps you guessing. The past 20 minutes had made it seem like Kick-Ass was going to fall into the shark tank only to find that the shark is dead. In the end, well, you know. During another point, Mindy is going on a date, and up until the last second I could've sworn he was going to try to rape her. Everything throws you for a loop, I love it.
   Alright, enough stalling. Time to get to my favorite character. Now, pretty much everyone on the planet would agree that Hit-Girl is the best character in the first movie, and any fans of it would probably guess that Hit-Girl is my favorite character in this one, too. While she is a very, very close second, there's still one character that overshadows her in this one. And that character is Colonel Stars and Stripes, played by the incomparable Mr. Jim Carrey. When I tell people that Jim Carrey is my favorite comedic actor, they look at me like I'm insane. And that's perfectly justified. He wasn't in any good movies from 2005-2012. But this character is a perfect example of why I love him so much. You can't even recognize him, he's so good. He doesn't sound, look, or act like Jim Carrey. It's truly amazing. His character is also hilarious, a former mafioso and current Born Again Christian. Mr. Carrey LITERALLY deserves an Oscar for this role. It's marvelous.
So, overall, I give this movie a rare A+. Have I given it to a movie before? Yeah a few of them. The funniest movies of all time like Hot Fuzz, Anchorman, Airplane!, and What's Up, Tiger Lily?; the best superhero movies like The Avengers, The Dark Knight, and The Incredibles; a couple of other Pixar movies, like the Toy Story trilogy and Monsters, Inc; aaaaaaaaaaaand that's pretty much it. This movie truly belongs among these, the greatest movies of all time. I hope to see it again in the future.
I will have reviews of Jobs and possibly Planes up next week, I'll try to get my Mystery Article out of the way, and I think I'm going to do a... very special kind of review for Eminem's new song, "Survival."
End transmission.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Site News: Birthdays, Mysteries, and Asses

BAD NEWS: It doesn't look like there's going to be a Planes review this week.
GOOD NEWS: I'll have a Kick-Ass 2 review out on Friday and probably a Jobs on Sunday.
MEDIOCRE NEWS: The surprise article is taking surprisingly long because I keep forgetting to do it. I'll try to have it up by the end of next week.
UNRELATED NEWS: Eminem has a new single out. Should I review it? Stomp your foot once for yes and twice for no.

THE BEST NEWS EVER: My birthday is tomorrow.
THE BEST NEWS EVER PART 2: Chris Brown is quitting music.
CHANNEL 4 NEWS WITH RON BURGUNDY: Ron Burgundy's memoir is coming this November as a tie-in with Anchorman 2, the sequel to the greatest movie of all time.
NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS: End transmission.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

Review: We're the Millers=Horrible Bosses?

As the movie finally comes to an end, the credits start playing. Except wait, there are bloopers first. Okay, a few bloopers. Some other possible lines. A few alternate scenes. Oh, here's something. The "Chasing Waterfalls" scene. Wait a minute... is that the Friends theme song? Oh man, look at Jennifer Aniston's face. She can't believe these guys! That was funny. I enjoyed this.
These were my thoughts at the end of We're the Millers, the latest comedy from Dodgeball director Rawson Thurber and Wedding Crashers writer Bob Fisher. This movie was... really good. It had a great comedic setup, well-developed characters, some genuinely heartfelt moments, and Jason Sudeikis. The only problem I had with the movie: the lack of focus. There were a few subplots that felt really irrelevant to the main plot, i.e. the fake family being chased by a drug kingpin because they thought he was a different drug kingpin and that drug kingpin is trying to get away with everything and not pay Jason Sudeikis and not get killed by the other kingpin and not get caught by the DEA... you know what? That's another problem. The main plot is too confusing. I also don't like the ending that's kind of like "And they all live happily ever after unless you want a sequel which we can totally do if you guys want."
You know what all this reminds me of? Horrible Bosses. Seriously. Everything I just said about this movie applies almost perfectly to Horrible Bosses. Right down to the Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston. Even the humor of the movie is a lot like Horrible Bosses. Yup. It's Horrible Bosses.
Here's the thing, though. At first glance, this movie doesn't really look like Horrible Bosses. It looks like The Hangover Part Thr3e meets Vacation. But when you really look at the facts, this movie is a lot like Horrible Bosses. It's dark, but not Cable Guy dark. It's got a lot of cameos here and there, but it doesn't reach Anchorman levels. It has a lot of different kinds of jokes, to the point where it's hard to tell what kind of movie it's trying to be. Is it bad? No. Is it good? Yes. Is it one of the best movies of the past five years? Maybe in the top 20 or something, but not really.
In fact, this movie is so much like Horrible Bosses, I'm giving it the same grade as Horrible Bosses: a B. See it if you're in to that sort of thing. I may have a Planes review out later in the week, but not necessarily. I will definitely have a Kick-Ass 2 review out on Friday, my birthday. Jobs review next week, and we'll have to wait and see from there. I'll also be putting a mystery article out this week. Stay tuned.
End transmission.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

READING ABOUT TV: Why Sam and Cat is Total Bullshit

Now, I loved iCarly. And VicTORIous. They were both really funny shows that weren't condescending to kids. Now, these shows were both by Dan Schneider, the man behind Drake and Josh, Zoey 101, All That, Kenan and Kel, and The Amanda Show. BUUUUUUUT he's also the man behind Good Burger, What I Like About You, Guys Like Us, and The Amanda Show, which fits into both categories.
Anyway, about two years ago, iCarly and VicTORIous crossed over, in "iParty with Victorious," one of the worst-titled things ever. This made it clear that these two shows exist in the same universe, and it eventually became clear that Drake and Josh and Zoey 101 take place in this very same universe. The characters in the two shows had a lot of chemistry, so when both shows came to an end, Schneider decided to make a crossover show featuring the most annoying characters from both shows.
Enter Sam and Cat. The show follows a tough, intimidating young adult woman and a sweet, naïve young adult woman. Yes, since they've both graduated high school, the show is about two adult women and is geared toward children under 13. This was clearly not thought out very well. In the show, the mildly annoying Sam and teeth-grindingly annoying Cat run a babysitting service, with a couple other random characters who are very loosely involved with the main characters also appearing in every episode to help them with their shenanigans.
This show is terrible. Actually, let me rephrase that. It's bad. I don't want to say it's terrible, because compared to almost every other kids show on the air right now, it's Arrested Development. But by itself, it's bad. I actually watched the most recent episode, "#ToddlerClimbing," (yes, all of the episode titles are hashtags. Toldja it was terrible) and kept track of every laugh track in the episode and everything that actually made me laugh even the teeniest bit on the inside. In the end, the laugh track was used 184 times and only 69 jokes were even the tiniest bit funny. That comes out to 115 unfunny jokes, or 62.5%.
But let's look at everything that's bad about it.
1. The hashtag thing
2. Use of memes in a desperate attempt to convince kids that the Nickelodeon execs are aware of them
3. Unfunny jokes
4. CONSTANT LAUGH TRACK EVERY SINGLE SECOND. That episode was 21 minutes long and had 184 laugh tracks, averaging one every 7 seconds. THAT'S INSANE. To put that into perspective, there was about one joke every 18 seconds in Airplane!, with 251 jokes in total.
5. Cat is the most annoying thing to ever exist in reality or fiction
6. Cat is far too stupid to exist
7. Constant references to their previous shows, negative 10% of which are funny or necessary
8. Taking all of the most tired cliches, all of the worst in-jokes and jokes in general, basically everything that was bad about iCarly and VicTORIous and making that a show
And THAT is why Sam and Cat is total bullshit. Incidentally, I had an idea for an episode of Sam and Cat, and an episode of the upcoming show Gibby, another iCarly spinoff, that would lead in to an iCarly reunion special. The Gibby episode would involve Gibby preparing for the iCarly reunion. The Sam and Cat episode would be Sam going back to Seattle for the reunion, leaving Cat to babysit all by herself. These episodes would both come out towards the end of this year. When Sam tells Cat that she's going to Seattle, Drake Bell is there for whatever reason. Maybe they're at a food place and he works there, I dunno. Anyway, when she tells her, Drake says, "A reunion? The show ended like a year ago!" Priceless.
I will have a review or two out this week, followed by another review or two next week, and so on. I'll think of other things to write about, too.
Story is end!

Thursday, August 1, 2013

Music News-ic Track-by-Track: THE WACK ALBUM

Back in the '60s, John Lennon said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. But in 2013, it is clear to me that the Lonely Island is bigger than Yeezus. Not in terms of length, although it is twice as long, or in terms of popularity, although it has sold a sizable amount. In terms of quality? Yes. The Wack Album is a higher quality album than Yeezus.
Look, I'm not saying Yeezus is a bad album. I like about four or five of its songs, which is fifty percent, so that's great. All I'm saying is that The Wack Album is perfect. Every single song from the dramatic intro, "Dramatic Intro," to the final track, "Perfect Saturday," is just great. Right now, its only competition for best album of the year is The Heist by Macklemore. Of course, we'll have to wait and see what Eminem has to offer, but rest assured, the best album of the year will be a white rap act. Anyway, I've decided to go through every track on this most wack of albums and share my thoughts about them. Note: the photos I've included are the first Google Images results when I typed the titles.


A perfect start to a perfect album. This is your typical dramatic intro, filled with random lines like "Please welcome the Lonely Island," "The Lonely Island are the first men to become pregnant," "I hereby declare the Lonely Island the 47th president of these United States," and "Tragedy strikes as the Lonely Island were beaten to death with their own dicks outside an all-male nightclub." The piece ends with a reporter wondering what TLI will create after an experience like this, followed by an immediate segue into the first song, "Go Kindergarten."
GRADE: 10/10


Yes, the above image is from the actual music video. The Lonely Island realized that since they're no longer on SNL, they'd need a niche to get people to buy their albums. Apparently, they decided that their songs were going to be broad parodies, as opposed to the specific parodies from the likes of Weird Al and the Key of Awesome. And it works perfectly. This first song is a parody of LMFAO-style dance songs. But while those songs have lines like "put your hands up" or "shake that ass," the Lonely Island takes it to extremes, telling audiences to build schools, burn them down, and teach their asses English. Robyn provides an excellent chorus that somehow works into the song perfectly. If I had to choose my favorite line, it would be Robyn's "So raise your glass then break the glass then stomp your bare feet on the glass." HILARIOUS.
GRADE: 10/10


Now, this is an unconventional song. It's not unlike the rest of the album, it is a broad parody that replaces a lot of the sexual connotations of rap songs with hugs. It's just... kinda set up weirdly. Each chorus is really different from the previous one, either longer or shorter, and with almost entirely different lyrics. It's just a little annoyance. Also, some of the lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense in the context of the other ones. Look it up; you'll see what I'm talking about. But this is still a great song. The lines are clever, it has a good beat, and Pharrell is surprising on the chorus and bridge. I don't want to say it's the best Pharrell song of the year, but... it's better than "Blurred Lines." And also "Get Lucky." Yeah, it's the best Pharrell song of the year.
GRADE: 7/10


Here's the thing about Diaper Money. The first part is really funny. The last part is really funny. The middle part is not that funny. It just isn't. If you don't know what I'm talking about, listen to the song. I also noticed that the each section of the song is longer than the previous one. It was clearly done intentionally, but I don't see why. That being said, I really like the third verse of this song. It's really funny. Just look at some of the lyrics.
I did it my way a very small percent of the time-way
Got my coffin picked out
Styrofoam painted like wood: tricked out
It's even got handles to lower me smooth
And my tombstone only has (minimal typos)
I got that grave plot
Let me just say that this song is much funnier if you watch the video. It's a perfect representation of a decent song.
GRADE: 6/10


Ah, YOLO. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it on SNL. It is just phenomenal. It's a true masterpiece. It takes a simple concept, that being a reinterpretation of the phrase "YOLO," and takes it as far as possible. I'm still not sick of this song. Everything from Andy's Shyamalanian intro to Kendrick Lamar's stupendous guest verse is done just right. The music video is fantastic, the lyrics are hilarious, and it's just another perfect ten from one of my favorite bands.
GRADE: 10/10


Instead of describing this hilarious piece, I'm just going to write out the lyrics.
Yo, it's the Lonely Island. We got my man Jorm. Kiv's in the house. And me? You know who the F I am and if not, let me spell it out.
They call me D-U-D-E-T-H-A-T-H-A-S-S-E-X-W-I-T-H-P-I-G-S-F-O-R-M-O-N-E-Y-B-U-T-J-U-S-T-A-S-A-S-I-D-E-T-H-I-N-G-R-I-G-H-T-N-O-W-comma-I-apostrophe-M-J-U-S-T-S-H-O-R-T-O-N-C-A-S-H-A-N-D-H-A-V-E-I-R-O-N-S-I-N-T-H-E-F-I-R-E-S-O-I-N-T-H-I-S-E-C-O-N-O-M-Y-I-T-apostrophe-double L-H-A-V-E-T-O-D-O-M-Y-N-A-M-E-I-S Lenny!
Wait, that's gross.
GRADE: 9/10


I LOVE this song. Talking about how no one knows how semicolons work, the Lonely Island tells their teacher that they know how to use semicolons, then start doing that unfinished simile thing that rappers do, then fail their class. If you're not getting it, watch the lyric video. There's no music video yet, but it's still a great song with a lesson. Some of my favorite lines include "If Miss Moore married Josh; Demi Brolin/A comma and a fucking dot; semicolon" and "You know we're out of control; no brakes/Your birthday party sucked; no cakes" Throw in a great hook by Beyonce's little sister, and you've got yourself another great song from a great album
GRADE: 10/10


This one's a little weird (unlike the rest of the album SARCMARK). It's an interlude, where apparently three to four people are talking about this very album, when an old man comes up to ask them where Brooklyn at. He goes on to ask the same thing again, followed by "What about Queeeeeeens?" He repeats this as well and then goes on to say "Puerto Rico ho." He once again repeats himself before asking the original question one last time. Then the next song starts. And it's really funny.
GRADE: 7/10


Not gonna lie, this isn't a very good song. I mean, it's kinda funny and it has an OK beat, but it's definitely the worst one on the album. Long story short, a woman comes to a party with one fully exposed breast. I have no idea how or why they got Hugh Jackman for this. I mean, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... not that good.
GRADE: 5/10


Another weird one, the band itself wasn't sure whether to call this a song, putting in parentheses next to the title "Song?" It really is a strange piece. Basically, in a strange voice that I could demonstrate if we were speaking in real life, one of the Lonely Island members talks about how much of a hustler he is. After a minute or two of lines like "You need to be born with a certain swag/A je ne sais quoi that makes hustling your bag," many of which are pretty funny, things get a little crazy when verses start overlapping each other, eventually turning into a muddled mess of sound. However, all these verses stop when the character says "I'm in the kitchen, cooking up crack." He then says something in a normal voice that's pretty hard to make out. Weird, short, but still very funny, this is just another fine addition to the Lonely Island's repertoire.
GRADE: 7/10


Yes, that is Edward Norton. They got Edward Norton to be in their music video and marry Jorma Taccone. Long story short, the song makes fun of the fact that gay marriage is frowned upon in our society, while your typical spring break behavior is not. The first chorus is your typical spring break song, with a misleadingly epic beat, but for some reason, the last line is "Marry a man." The gay marriage lines become more and more prevalent leading into the final chorus which, except for one line, is entirely about gay marriage. And by the power of Greyskull, is it catchy. This song will be stuck in your head for days after you hear it. You'll struggle not to sing it in public, as is the case with other Lonely Island songs like "I Just Had Sex" and "Dick In a Box."
GRADE: 10/10


GRADE: 10/10


Now, when I first heard this song, I didn't really like it. I mean, it was kind of catchy and had some funny lines, but I didn't think it was as good as, say, the past two songs. That is, until I learned the lyrics. This song is so much fun to perform, it's amazing. And the lyrics are hilarious.
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
And saying that we do is just simply ridonk
You can try to buy us off with your pesos and francs
But your money means nothing, you can take it to the bonk
Not funny enough? How about another line?
So, whatcha gonna do with all your honks?
Gonna dive in and swim like Scrooge McDonk.
Need one more?
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
Even if you give us candy like Willy the Wonk
But don't come for our honks, better know your place
Motherhonkers honk around and get honked in the face
If you don't give a honk about this song yet, then honk you.
GRADE: 9/10


Yet another song by JT and Andy Samberg. Not necessarily as catchy as "Dick in a Box," but definitely memorable.
GRADE: 6/10


This is another... unconventional song. It starts out normally, with the Andy, Kiv, and Jorma introducing themselves like so:
My name is Jorm
You can call me J-Orgus
Ride around town bumpin' Fugees in my Taurus
Yo, I'm Artemis Prime
Also known as Young Sandwich
Lonely Island got amigos like my man John Landis
Akiva in the house
But you can call me Young Dad
Rocking pink Adidas, never wear plaid
After that, though, they introduce about 15 characters, including Fat Bob, Tiny, Piccolo Pete, and Boring Steven. The song ends with:
So there it is
One third of the crew
The rest couldn't be here or phone in
But best believe they are missed
Lonely Island, we out
GRADE: 7/10


I'm lucky that was the first result. I don't want to get into specifics, but this song is very funny, never gets too creepy, and has a pretty good beat.
GRADE: 7/10


This one is a parody of songs that people cheer at events. And it's really good.
We are a crowd
And we are loud
We're cheering as a group at our favorite event
We're gonna cheer
'Cause we are here
With all of us together we have nothing to fear
GRADE: 8/10


This one's actually pretty bland. Basically, they compliment each other, and these compliments get more and more intimate as the song goes on.
GRADE: 5/10


The gist of this song is that Akiva and Jorma talk about how they want an actual relationship, as opposed to just meaningless sex. They also do it in a dull monotone. It's very funny. I read that these are characters that the Lonely Island has had in their repertoire for like, 8 years, and apparently they're pretty popular among hardcore fans. I can see why.
GRADE: 7/10


This one details a perfect Saturday. The Lonely Island has some girls coming over, but unfortunately, a friend of theirs stops by and needs to use their bathroom urgently. The girls are only a few minutes away, so they need to try to get rid of him. After they fail and the girls are disgusted and leave, they take him up to the roof and kill him. After that, we find out that this was their excuse to pull off a fart joke by the end of the album. Phew, I was getting a little worried.
GRADE: 9/10


While not every song on the album is fantastic, the album is still set up so that it's hard to stop at any given point. It is, in my opinion, the best album of the year. I'll put some kind of review out next week. I might be going on a trip, so we'll have to wait and see.
Story is end!

Review: I Have Opinions About Smurfs 2

Yep, I saw Smurfs 2. And it was pretty much what you'd expect. There were unnecessary subplots, crude jokes, adult jokes, and slaps in the face to fans of the show. It had a smurfshit ending that involved... something. I don't know, it got kind of confusing. They save Smurfette, get captured by Gargamel, Gargamel gets his comeuppance, he comes back before the Smurfs can escape, they somehow wind up outside, Gargamel apparently dies in a fireworks accident, Smurfette and one of the Naughties sing a Britney Spears and Katy Perry song that they must've made up on the spot, GLADoS is Luke's father, Darth Vader was Edward Norton's imagination, Tyler Durden was in purgatory, the Island won the power of veto, and "Rosebud" was referring to Bruce Willis.
But you know what the smurfed up thing is? It's still better than the original. Why, you may be asking? I can't hear you through the computer, you idiot. But here's why: they were trying. There was a pretty flowing narrative throughout and some of the jokes were actually a little bit funny. It almost feels like fan service, like they just took every complaint that people had about the original and tried to fulfill them. Some things worked well, like the flowing narrative and the fact that the characters pretty well resembled the ones in the original series. Others however, did not. For example, the cat got a more prominent role, and is still annoying as smurf and sounds nothing like a cat.
Like I said in the first paragraph, there were a couple subplots. For example, Neil Patrick Harris' stepfather is trying to bond with him, and Grouchy is trying to look on the bright side of things. But the difference between these and the first movie's subplots is that these feel more necessary, because the main focus of the movie could fit into one episode. At least this one had a main focus; the first one was just five Smurfs smurfing around in New York.
The movie also wisely chose to leave Alan Cumming's character, the Scottish smurf Gutsy, out of this one, instead replacing him with... a British one played by John Oliver. Hey, I didn't say they got everything right. They also once again reduced the brilliant casting choice of Paul Reubens as Jokey Smurf to two lines.
So, was the sequel necessary? No. Did it further the story? No. Did I enjoy it? No. Was it better than the first one? Smurf yes, it was! Overall, I give it a C. Definitely not the worst movie I've seen this year, but still not good. I'll be putting out a review of The Wack Album tomorrow, and I'll try to see RED 2 or RIPD next week.
Story is end!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Late Entry: The Way, Way Back

Yep, I actually saw The Way, Way Back. I'll bet you thought I was bluffing. Nope, I actually saw it. And it was... pretty good. I mean, it wasn't phenomenal, and the first ten, twenty minutes were boring as fuck, but it was good. It was funny, it was thought-provoking, I got out with the theater with a smile on my face. Let me just say, I hated this movie for a while. But then one character that changed my whole point of view.
What character was this? Was it Steve Carrell? Nat Faxon? Jim Rash? No. The character that truly saved this movie is Sam Rockwell's. His character was HILARIOUS. He was well-written, surprisingly developed, and, as you may expect from a Sam Rockwell character, was portrayed perfectly. Not many actors could say so much nonsense so fast without breaking character, but Sam Rockwell, one of the greatest actors of our generation, does it beautifully.
This was one of the sad Steve Carrell movies, and honestly, it's one of the better ones. I think the only one that beats it out is Little Miss Sunshine. In fact, since I don't really have much else to say about this movie except that I give it a B and that Jim Rash and Rob Corddry's characters were surprisingly terrible, I think I'm going to leave it at that and start working on a Stank-Ass Ranking for the sad Steve Carrell movies. But first, I just want to say that this is a classic example of why you should never judge a movie by its poster. Although the posters for this one are actually pretty accurate. You know what? That's a bad metaphor. Movie good. See it.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Stank-Ass Ranking: The X-Men Movies

Well, The Wolverine came out this weekend, so now seems like a perfect time to rank the X-Men movies. Now, keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion that basically everyone else who's seen these movies shares. Seriously, besides the order of the first two, I can't imagine why any X-Men fan would disagree with any of this. Anyway, on with the list!

#1: X2: X-Men United

Oh, yeah. This is what I'm talking about. X2, one of the best superhero movies of all time. What can I say about X2. It's a great movie. It's big. It's powerful. It's dramatic. It's funny. It's dark. It's just everything you could want in a superhero movie. Was it the best superhero movie of all time? No, that honor goes to The Dark Knight. But it's up there. It's way up there.

#2: X-Men

What kick-started the comic book movie revolution? Some say it was Blade. Others say Spider-Man. Some even trace the modern-day comic book movie all the way back to Men in Black. So, whatever it is, it's a Marvel movie. But in my opinion, the first movie that truly defined the modern comic book movie was none other than X-Men. At the time, people didn't know what to make of it. Some people treated it like a gift from God. Others thought it too strange for their sensibilities. But one thing was for sure. It was the start of a revolution. Every superhero movie started using this new formula, some successfully (Spider-Man franchise, Amazing Spider-Man franchise, Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Dark Knight trilogy) and others... not so much (Daredevil, Catwoman, 50% of X-Men movies). If it weren't for this movie, there wouldn't have been a comic book revolution, and we would never have the five superhero movies a year we're so used to.

#3: The Wolverine

For those of you who haven't seen my review of this movie, which is crazy, because I put it up yesterday, The Wolverine is decent. It's good. It's not a great movie like the two above, and it's not a terrible movie like the three below. It's just alright. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from hating this movie, and the only thing that made it better than Man of Steel, was Wolverine himself. Nothing else about the movie was phenomenal, just good ol' Logan. And that's all I need.

#4: X-Men: First Class

Now, for some reason, a lot of people seem to think this movie is good. In fact, it has the highest rating of all the X-Men movies on Rotten Tomatoes. I don't see why. It's terrible. The acting isn't very good, it completely throws away what happened in the last four movies, the ending is ridiculous, the middle is ridiculous, the beginning is... fine, actually, but it doesn't make up for the rest of this piece of shit! Almost all of the characters are SO ANNOYING, and there's just too much bullshit in it for me to enjoy it at all. While it is the best of the bad X-Men movies, it's still bad.

#5: X3: The Last Stand

Oh, boy. Here we go. These final two spots were a real toss-up because they're both SO TERRIBLE. But before I talk about this endless swamp of shit, I want to defend Brett Ratner. Not everything he makes is bad. He made Horrible Bosses and "Prison Break" and Rush Hour and... nothing else that is good. Alright, he's pretty bad. But he's not that bad. This, however, is that bad. It's not that it has bad actors or even a bad plot. It's the same problem that the next movie on the list has, and the same problem that Green Lantern had. It's TERRIBLY WRITTEN. It's unfunny, it doesn't make sense, the writing is SO BAD that it makes this movie one of the worst in the superhero genre. And the worst X-Men movie of all time is...

#6: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the worst movies of all time. The movie that introduced about twenty new X-Men characters and ruined them all. I'm dead serious. Just look at them. In the comics, Gambit can hypnotize people, make things EXPLODE, create static electricity, and harness the power of kinetic and potential energy. In the movies, they turned him into a guy with a jacket who can make things stronger. What does that mean? You figure it out. Another prime example is Deadpool, who is the funniest thing ever in the comics, he can't even speak once he becomes Deadpool. That is a crime against humanity. The very thought of portraying Deadpool as a character that can't speak is just ludicrous. They say that he will break the fourth wall in the upcoming movie, like he does in the comics, which indicates that he will HAVE A FUCKING MOUTH. Thank God. Also, tell Him to DESTROY EVERY LAST COPY OF THIS PIECE OF CINEMATIC SHIT!

I've decided that I will put out a review of The Way, Way Back this week. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Story is end!

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Review: Wolverine is Confusing, Predictable, and Dark. But Good.

Well, Days of Future Past is less than a year away, and I'm finally getting excited about it. Why, you may ask? The Wolverine. You see, most X-Men movies fall into one of two categories, the great and the terrible. In fact, it's even more simple than that. Every X-Men movie from before 2005 is great, and every X-Men movie from after 2005 is terrible. But now it seems the curse has been broken. Or at least, retooled. You see, Wolverine is good. Not really good, in fact it's about as good as Man of Steel, but still good. So, what does this mean? Has the X-Men curse finally been broken, or has it been changed so that every X-Men movie from 2005 to 2012 is bad, and every movie before and after those years, respectively, is good? Read on to find out.
Let's start with what's good about this movie. A lot. But as you may expect from a Wolverine movie, my favorite part was Logan. He was funny, he was cool, he was the all-around badass you were hoping for. I think people were expecting him to be turned into a wuss, like Iron Man 3. Not that Iron Man 3 was bad. But the good news is, that didn't happen. Even when he didn't have his healing powers, he cut his own chest and pulled a spider off of his heart. THAT is Wolverine. Like I said three lines up, he was also hilarious. His Clint Eastwood demeanor and sarcastic remarks had the whole audience laughing out loud. But not all his jokes went over very well. Remember that "Fuck you, Sally" line from Oblivion? You know, the only good part of the movie? Well, this movie had basically the same joke. But it wasn't funny.
Now, let's talk about Viper. She seems to be one of the things people complain the most about when it comes to this movie. And they have all the right to. She sucked. They took one of the most interesting X-Men villainesses and turned her into Serleena from Men in Black 2. I mean, literally. She is almost exactly like Serleena. She's also a mutant in this movie. Yep. Viper is a mutant. They actually made Viper into a mutant who could poison people by kissing them and shed her skin like a lizard. For those of you who don't know, Viper is not a mutant in the comics. She's just a really smart gymnast. Those two people don't sound very similar at all, do they?
Also, it was predictable. And confusing. And slow at times. Did I mention confusing? It was really confusing. Especially in the third act, where Wolverine didn't have his powers, and then he did have them, and then Yashida had them, but he didn't, he was just about to have them, and then... Yeah, it was really confusing. Also, Silver Samurai is in it. It was supposed to be some kind of big reveal when Yashida becomes the Silver Samurai, but anyone who knows who the Silver Samurai is would know that from the start.
That brings me to my final gripe. It was predictable. Really, really predictable. There was nothing in this movie I didn't expect. Everything that happened was built up to in not-so-subtle ways. It was awful. But it was good. Believe it or not, I actually really liked this movie. Well, let me rephrase that. I liked this movie. It was fine. I'd say it was a B-. It certainly isn't the best X-Men movie (X2), but it certainly is the most recent good one.
So, that's The Wolverine. Not great, not bad. Oh, also, there was an after-credits scene. And it was awesome. You see, it takes place two years after the end of the movie, for some reason. Logan is at an airport, for some reason. Seriously, why aren't they explaining anything? Anyway, he begins to notice that coins and keys and other small metals are getting all wonky. That's when Magneto shows up. He tells Logan that he needs his help to stop a new enemy to all of mutantkind. Wolvy asks him why he should trust him, to which Magneto says to look around. He finds that time has stopped. This is when, from behind a corner, Professor X shows up. The explanation for why he's not dead? He has special powers. That's all. Now, just from reading this description, you might not be that thrilled by the post-credits scene. But trust me, it was awesome. Even though the hype has been building for months, this is the first thing that actually got me excited for DoFP. So, that's going to be good, but is the curse truly broken?
Well, the next two X-Men movies after it will likely be Deadpool and X-Force. In X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Deadpool sucked, but if he's written well, and the character is totally revamped, his solo movie could work. I wish I could say what I thought about X-Force, but I don't know which X-Force it's going to be. However, I will be releasing a list of the current X-Men movies, in order from best to worst, later this week. There will also be a review of either Smurfs 2 or RIPD later this week, and probably no reviews next week. I'll think of something to write about, but there won't be any good movies out. Maybe I'll do a Late Entry for RED 2 if it works out.
Story is end!

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Harry Potter and the Content of Users

Hey, guys. I'm running out of ideas so I decided to steal yours. If you have any humorous reviews of movies or humorous writings in general, email them to me at thatnaivecube@gmail.com. If it pleases me, I will put it on this blog. Just leave your name and message after the beep.


Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Review: Turbo is Way, Way Better Than You'd Think

Poor Ryan Reynolds. Has he ever had a successful movie? Let me IMDb this. No, no he hasn't. Ryan Reynolds has never been in a movie that was both good and financially successful. In fact, most of his movies have been pretty shitty. It's not his fault. He's a very good actor. It's just that he keeps falling victim to what we in the writing business call "terrible writing." And I mean really terrible writing. He has played not one but TWO superheroes that he would have been really good at playing, both of which unfortunately sucked and their respective movies are now considered among the worst in the genre.
This is another one of his movies that was really good, but no one saw it. I mean, really good. It's almost Pixar quality. In fact, one of the only problems I had with this movie is that it's too much like Ratatouille. It's not as subtle as Ratatouille, but it's the same in a lot of aspects. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

So, the question still stands: what was so good about this movie? Well first of all, it was hilarious. I wouldn't go as far as to say it was funnier than Despicable Me 2, but it was definitely a better kind of humor. Also, it was better. Than Despicable Me 2. Really. The movie had a lot of funny moments, in a very Pixar-y manner. Dreamworks has been trying for years to emulate Disney and Pixar, even though their first movie was a big "fuck you" to the both of them, and now it seems that they've pretty much succeeded. This movie had charm, wit, and a confusing story where animals can talk to each other in English, but to humans it just sounds like animal noises.
BUUUUUUUUUT there were a couple things I didn't like about it. Like I said before, it almost felt like a ripoff of Ratatouille, mixed with a little bit of Cars. Second of all, there were a few voice actors who I felt couldn't really work their way into the story. For example, Ryan Reynolds played... Ryan Reynolds, basically. Luis Guzman played... Luis Guzman. Ken Jeong played... Chow from The Hangover Part Sān. He was an old lady, but it was still the same character. The most annoying one, however, was Snoop Dogg. I was just SO distracted by Snoop Dogg's voice that it pulled me out of the movie every time I heard it. I could also really tell that Guy Gagne was Bill Hader, but I didn't mind it. It's Bill fucking Hader, for god's sakes. And of course, the incomparable Ben Schwartz was in this movie and I had NO IDEA. Seriously, I was on the way out of the theater with my little sister and I saw that Ben Schwartz was in it. And his character was pretty funny, too. I also loved how Gagne slowly went mad and although he was the bad guy, you could kind of see why.
For the most part, the 3D was nothing special. There were a few scenes that were pretty cool, most of them involving confetti, but most of it was pretty uninteresting. Also, not in a racist way or anything, but Luis Guzman's character kinda reminded me of the Blockbuster Buster for some reason. Just a side note. Overall, I give it a B+. It truly surprised me. This is the worst-performing Dreamworks movie ever, and that is a shame. Go see it. Seriously. Dreamworks is finally on a winning streak, and I'd hate to see that streak end because no one saw this great movie. I should have an RIPD review up by the end of the week. If not, Wolverine this weekend!
Story is end!

Thursday, July 18, 2013

A Nonsense Article to Tide You Over Because I Haven't Seen Any Movies These Past Few Days

The egg of Wednesday told me to fry the cat from Nantucket with ease. I told her, "You can't always get the kind of charger that keyboards can call their grandmother, can you?" She didn't respond, but the only kind of poster that does your taxes is the nonchalant kind. It was then that a bird that was walking by came to a startling revelation: Leonardo DiCaprio has never been to its house. This came as quite a shock to the lawyers, who had never heard the word "ersatz" and weren't willing to find out what it meant. That didn't stop Brent, the lopsided pickle who didn't play by the rules.
Now, it's strange to note at this point that I hadn't met Brent until last Kwanzaa, and by then he had already made nine thousand shoes out of the watches of businessmen. In fact, the only lopsided pickle I'd ever met was Gary Busey, and I'd only met him via Tumblr. Getting back to the story, it was clear at this point that Brent had no idea how the YouTube comments section worked. This, of course, meant that Katie, the lonely bowl of French onion soup, had no choice but to see the Total Recall remake by herself. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Did I leave the hairdryer on?" Unfortunately for you, Yahoo Answers can't help you with that predicament.
If there was one thing Brent had learned from all his years as a hole digger, it was that the best kind of box is no box at all. So, when he had finally found the tomb of Gilgamesh, he was at a loss. It wasn't until Frank Stallone made an appearance that he finally knew the answers. He got on a zeppelin back home and when he got there, he was off to the races. Unfortunately, it turned out that Frank Stallone had lied to him and Remembering Another Dashboard was not the winning horse.
Brent had a lot of opinions. He preferred latitude to longitude, Mac to PC, Ground Control to Major Tom, etc. But there was one thing he didn't know, and that was why Australians called them thongs instead of flip-flops. Of course, Brent did wind up saving the day in the end of this story, so you don't need to know the rest. Basically, Brent shot JR, DiCaprio got the girl, I learned a valuable lesson, and Bruce Willis was bread the whole time. Overall, I give it a C++.
Story is end!

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Review: Grown Ups 2 is Just Awful

Well, Adam Sandler has finally done it. He's finally figured out how to make me chuckle every now and then. I didn't think he could do it. After seeing Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, That's My Boy, Bedtime Stories, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Eight Crazy Nights, and others, I really thought that he would never succeed in making me laugh even a little bit. But he's finally done it.
Don't get me wrong, Grown Ups 2 is terrible. It's the worst movie I've seen all year and one of the worst things in general, tied with a deer carcass I saw outside a shopping center. I really do think that this movie is a piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or money. BUT it was a little funny. Let's go over it a little more.
The movie starts with the main characters having moved back to their hometown (I'll bet you thought they were going to move back during the movie. You're clearly overestimating Mr. Sandler). They all have families and lives and a buck is pissing on everything. That is literally the first scene in the movie. And guess what? The buck comes back during the climax and eats Taylor Lautner's dick. That is the climax of the movie.
Now, if there's a climax, you'd probably think there's a plot, right? Wrong. This is part of a subgenre of comedies called "things movies." A certain Mike Jeavons is known for reviewing "things movies," in which, rather than a plot, the movie concerns various unconnected things happening to various people with little setup and no payoff. And this movie is a prime example. The plot is basically that Adam Sandler throws a party. That's it. Sure, tons of other "things" that happen before that, but none of them have anything to do with the "plot." Like I said before, they're just things. No lesson, no plot, just things. I really, truly hate this movie. But it may be the best Sandler film I've ever seen. Why is that? Because, like I said before, it's a little funny. The problem with his other movies isn't that they have no plot or substance or likable characters, although those do contribute. The problem is that they are NOT FUNNY. This one, on the other hand, was... a little funny. It was about as funny as this review is. All in all, though, I give this movie a D.

P.S. I've abandoned my Pixar Timeline. I'll have a Turbo review ready by Thursday.
Story is end!

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Site News


After that, a Pixar timeline, followed by reviews of Turbo, RED 2, and RIPD.
You're not ready for those either, but to be fair, neither am I.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Late Entry: The Heat

Yes, I know The Heat's been out for a few weeks and everyone's already reviewed it, but I feel I might have a unique perspective on the movie that I can share with my fans. All 20 of them. Now, before I begin, I want to point out that The Heat is rated R, but just for strong language, so if your kids are under the age of 12, don't take them to see it. If they're twelve or over and want to see it, go ahead and take them. Alright, on with the review!
First of all, The Heat is very funny. It's most definitely the funniest movie I've seen all year. Not the best movie, mind you, that honor belongs to Monsters University. But, it's the funniest. Funnier than The Hangover Part Thr3e, funnier than Identity Thief, and most certainly funnier than The Internship. Wait. Shit, Burt Wonderstone. Okay, it's tied for the funniest movie of the year. If you're just looking for laughs, I highly recommend this movie. In fact, this movie also has quite a bit of substance to it. There's only one problem.
The plot. It's predictable, it's derivative, and it's just not funny. I think you all know who the main characters are. The loudmouthed Boston cop and the straight-laced FBI agent. You can already tell that this is a very unoriginal plot, and has been done in EVERY COP MOVIE EVER MADE. Not that it's a bad setup, it's just not usually what makes great comedies. There are also a few things that it seems like they built upon, but then the movie was too long and they had to cut it out. The movie was still a little over two hours, and it's hard to imagine that it was originally EVEN LONGER. The plot isn't the only bad part of the movie.
The villains suck. You're supposed to think that we haven't seen the villain and then think that one guy's the villain and then realize that his partner's the villain, even though everyone has already figured out that he's the villain twenty minutes ago. Basically, there's this albino guy that's apparently trying to find the same guy that Melissa and Sandra are, along with his partner, played by Taran Killam. Melissa thinks that the albino guy is the villain, because he looks and acts like a bad guy, but everyone already knows that someone else is the bad guy. Now, I don't know who the rest of the audience thought the bad guy was, though I know my brother had a terrible guess, I pretty much knew it was good ol' Taran. In fact, at one point Melissa said the villain could be anyone, someone on Sandra's team or someone on her's or someone on neither's, but she was pretty sure it was the albino guy, and I said fairly loudly, "It's Taran Killam!" That's not the only predictable part either. I knew Melissa's brother would get shot, I knew that the climax would involve him, I knew that the Red Falls killer was innocent, and just about every other plot point in the entire movie was discovered by me well in advance of it being shown on screen. You want to know why? Because they kept poking at it! Why would they even mention the Red Falls killer if it wouldn't come up again? What was the purpose of her brother being so close to the villain? They should be more subtle with their foreshadowing! Do you think The Wizard of Oz would have succeeded if everyone in the movie went around calling the Wizard "the Man Behind the Curtain?" NO!
Oddly enough, one of the few things that did surprise me was something that happened in 21 Jump Street AND The Other Guys. Sandy and Melissa had spent the night drinking, and when Sandy B. woke up, she discovered that she had given her car to someone. He tried to apprehend him, but he made it to the car. And then the car exploded. However, unlike the other movies, this one wasn't making fun of the classic "sudden explosion" scene, it was using it. How do I know this? Because they weren't the least bit shaken by the explosion. Also, at one point, they hid from a grenade by ducking behind a box. It worked. A little lesson, Paul Feig, never go Crystal Skull.
Oh, are you wondering how I knew that Taran Killam was the bad guy? Because he had one line in all of his scenes. No one gives Killam one line per scene and only three scenes. It was obvious that he was going to be important to the plot. All in all, this movie was okay. I give it a B-. BUT, if you're looking for a really well-made, hilarious, original buddy-cop comedy, see 21 Jump Street or The Other Guys. You'll be glad you did. Speaking of unoriginal comedies, Grown Ups 2 comes out this Friday, and I can't wait to test my theory that Adam Sandler movies are getting EVEN WORSE.
Story is end!

Friday, July 5, 2013

The Top Ten One-Digit Numbers

#1: 1

I think we can all agree that one is truly the best one-digit number, and maybe even the best number overall. I mean, what's not to like about 1. Some of the hipsters in the audience may say that one is such a mainstream number. I mean, it's literally the most common number. But sometimes things are famous for a reason. I mean, 1 is everywhere. It's in the heights of buildings and lengths of rivers and widths of... things whose widths are often measured. Really, if you measure anything at all, there's a good chance one will show up. And that's why we love it so much. Okay, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this next one.

#2: 7

A lot of people seem to have been turning away from seven and more towards numbers like 9 or 2 recently, but I still love it. People may say, "Why? Because it's "lucky," you superstitious bastard?" No, not because it's lucky. Because it's deep. It may be the most poetic of all ten of the numbers I'll be listing today. I mean, just draw it. It's too smooth, straight lines, put together into something crooked and awkward. It just proves that true beauty doesn't exist and okay I'm making this up as I go along. But if you haven't tried 7 recently, give it another chance. I can guarantee it'll be much better than you remember.

 #3: 0

This one probably raised your eyebrow. "Isn't zero a pretty recent number? It doesn't seem like it belongs on the list at all, especially not at #3." Well, first of all, I'm a teenager, it should be expected that I'm a fan of more recent numbers. Second of all, it's hilarious. It's the funniest number I've ever seen, aside from 5318008, but that has more than one digit. No, actually, 0 is better than 5318008. You heard me right. 0 IS BETTER THAN 5318008. DEAL WITH IT.

#4: 5

Ah, five. Classic. Now, the ANI listed this as the greatest number of all time, so you may be confused as to why it's behind some of these other numbers, especially 7. It's... a little boring. I know what you're saying, it's one of the first numbers, it doesn't matter if it's boring, but it kind of does. I'm not saying it's a bad number, no. It's probably in my top ten favorite numbers in general. I just don't think it deserves to be #1. But isn't it just fantastic. Not too big, not too little, powerful yet subtle, it truly is one of the greatest numbers of all time.

#5: 2

I think you all knew this was coming. 2 is the most satisfying number I have ever seen. Just look at that thing. It's perfect. I know people had a lot of high expectations for two when it was announced, and I think they definitely delivered. I just wish they could think of a better ending. Now, nine, on the other hand, there's a number with a great ending. Which is why...

#6: 9

Nine is mind-blowing. Truly mind-blowing. If you multiply it by a number, you'll get its terms, or the terms of a multiple. That's fucking deep, man. I've never seen a number quite like 9. Except it's multiples! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! But seriously, 9 is just fantastic. I know that I criticized it as well as two in my review of the number 7, but that's just because they're not as good as the number seven. They're still great in their own special way.

#7: 3

Three is... good. There's not much else to say about it. It's one of the big three (one, three, and five) and I can sorta see why. It's great. I wouldn't say I give three a less-than-three (<3), but it's a good number. There's just not much else to say about it. It's got a solid beginning, a solid ending, the middle is really slow, but it's still probably worth your time. Seriously, don't let this unenthusiastic review fool you. It's a good number and you should check it out if it's your kind of thing.

#8: 8

Okay, here's the thing about these last three. I don't really like them. The problem is that there are only so many one-digit numbers to use, so I kind of had to include them. I just put them in order of which one I hated the least. And that dubious honor goes to 8. Now, 8 is a lot of fun to write, but it doesn't have much else going for it. Someone looking at it will think, "Eight? Why eight?" You may not think you're thinking that, but you're not always thinking what you think you're thinking. The truth is that eight is kind of an off-putting number. It's not the worst number, it's just... unappealing and odd.

#9: 4

Four is a mess. While it's certainly not the worst number, it's nowhere near the best. It's awkward to write and awkward to look at, although its name is nice and simple. Four. Even that isn't that smooth. The "f" sound is a big no-no when it comes to numbers. Five makes up for it with the "v" sound, one of the few sounds that really goes well with "f." I've definitely seen some fours that I like, but as a number, it kind of falls apart.

#10: 6

I fucking hate six. Not only is it the worst number on this list, it's the worst number of ALL TIME. If I were to make a list of the worst numbers of all time, nine out of ten of them would contain a six (I also really hate "quadrillion"). Six has no redeeming qualities. It's hard to draw, weird to say, an unappealing word, an unappealing number, and is just overall terrible in every way. There is nothing I like about this number, or anything that has ever come out of it (except six thousand, but I'll talk about that another time). 6 makes me cringe every time I have to write it. I wish we could have come up with a better word for six, at least, then maybe it would surpass "four." But we didn't. And we won't. And it sucks. Fuck six.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Despicable Me 2 Was Very Good For What it Was

Now, you may be wondering what that title means. What I mean to say is that Entertainment Weekly, Film School Rejects, and many others are looking at this movie all wrong. Now, you may be wondering what that explanation is. Well, you're rather curious today, aren't you? You see, both of those popular sources of reviews gave this movie less than a C+. And I don't like that. This article won't exactly be a review, but I will be grading the movie at the end. As you may know, I don't like to warn my readers about spoilers, so let's start the review!
Mind you, not every critic got this wrong. In fact, it has a 74% on Rotten Tomatoes. But a lot of them did and a lot of the more popular ones did. There were two things that these critics didn't do right. First of all, it's a comedy. For children. Stop picking apart the changes in character between it and the first one. Most of the audience doesn't even remember the first one well enough to do that. My second critique critique may seem like a bit of a contradiction considering my first one. They're not taking the movie seriously. Sure, at first glance, it made you laugh, but it didn't make you think. But that's just because you didn't think. You didn't analyze its place in the series or how well it worked as both a standalone film and a sequel to the second-best children's comedy about a supervillain of 2010. Actually, that doesn't do it justice. It's the second-best children's comedy about a supervillain of ALL TIME. That's better. I decided to do this movie justice by doing both of these things.
For a children's comedy, Despicable? Me Too! is fantastic. It is definitely the second-best of the year and why does this series keep getting stuck in second place? Damn you, letter M! But yeah, it's hilarious. I'm not saying it's better than the first one, but it's definitely a close... second GODDAMMIT! When the jokes were adult, they were good and when they were childish, they were even better. In one scene, Gru has a device on his belt to help him find a certain chemical while he wanders through the store of a supposed supervillain. He therefore needs to thrust his pelvis at every surface in the store to see if the chemical is there. That is gold. If you didn't laugh at that, you will when you see it on the big screen. And by the way, see it in 3D. You'll be very annoyed if you don't. But yeah, this is definitely a very entertaining movie. But how well does it work?
As a standalone film, it's pretty good. There are a few callbacks to the original, but nothing that would be hard to understand if you hadn't seen it. Like I said before, it's also hilarious. There were only a few jokes in the entire movie that really didn't work. It also had a pretty good story, besides its Cars 2 premise. The only things that I didn't like were the twists. I saw them all coming from a mile away. I knew from the very beginning that Gru and Lucy were going to get married, I knew immediately when Nefario quit that he was going to end up working for the bad guy, and I knew immediately that El Macho was still alive and would be the antagonist. What I didn't suspect was a tease at next year's Minion movie during the end credits.
Now we've reached the real question: does it work as a sequel? Is it necessary? Did it further the story? Was it intended when the first movie was made? Let me answer those questions. I think the movie is necessary in the same sense that Incredibles 2 is necessary (2019, baby!). It's necessary because the first one ended in a way that they could have done anything they wanted. They could have left it as it is, they could have made a sequel, they could have even made a TV series. It's very hard to tell if they intended to make a sequel. In a lot of ways, it perfectly fits in to the story, but in a lot of other ways, it feels like they just did it because the studio demanded it. It certainly does further the story, Gru having grown into a loving father while still maintaining some of his villainous ways, the Minions having gone through a similar change, and yet the girls haven't changed a bit. They're three years older now, and yet the only one who seems to have changed is the oldest one, who has gone full teenager. Especially at their age, the kids should have changed dramatically over those three years, unless it hasn't been three years. A lot of people seem to be unaware of Gru's retirement.
Does the movie do anything better than the first one? Yes. Its satire. I swear to god, this thing parodies every spy movie as well as everyday suburban life and it does it terrifically. There are also, however, a few subplots that never really take off. For example, one of the minions falls in love with Lucy, the love interest of EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER. Then... they never speak of it again. What about the woman that's always trying to hook Gru up with younger women? That was hilarious! Was that supposed to be a one-time joke? Or a three-time joke? I can think of ways that that could have been part of the plot. But I also like how they prevented it from being part of the plot. Lucy was at a restaurant where Gru was on a "date" with your typical duck-billed anorexic. Rather than getting mad, Lucy listens in on the date using spy devices and finds that Gru was having a miserable time. The woman who hooked them up was  never mentioned again. There was also a setup where Lucy was going to Australia for an assignment even though Gru was confident that the case hadn't been cracked yet. In the end, she never goes. I swear to god, even though Silas Ramsbottom, her BOSS, says she's going there, she never goes. Gru even points out that Lucy should have been in Australia when she got kidnapped. Does anyone ever answer that complaint? NOPE. All in all, this is a very good family movie and I give it a B+.

Story is end.

Saturday, June 29, 2013

The Movies I'm Looking Forward To- Translation Edition

Hello. If you don't remember, the other day I made a list of all the movies I want to see the rest of the year. I modified the list in a few ways, and it was hilarious. So, I've decided to continue this list, with one difference: I'll be translating it from English to other languages back to English. Here it is translated to Chinese to English to Chinese to English to Chinese to English:

Despicable Me two
In this way, on the way back
Coffee making makes the town
Mortgage registration
Machining a moron
In the lounge
to-do list
We are a Muller
Kicking two
Walk of war
There are two possibilities Meatballs Cloudy
Machetes and enemies
Free Bird
Ender's Play
Last year in Las Vegas
MIGHTY THOR: The Dark World
Wolves on Wall Street
Hunger Games: Fire Services Department
Delivery person
Hobbit: Smaug (Despite I do not like the first a bleak)
President's Bank of aid
Moderator: The Legend Continues
The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

Now, here it is translated into the top five most common languages and then back to English:

Toad of birth 2
Lone Ranger
Path, the way back
Person Town
Proceedings of the mortgage
Stupid Treatment
Rest in peace
Task List
The Miller
Two kick
The end of the world
With clouds of meat as much as possible
On sickle
Free Bird
Last year, Las Vegas
Thor: Dark World
Wolf of Wall Street
Hunger and Games: Fire
Person Output
Hobbit: smaug (I hate solitary ago)
Store Mr. Banks
Musharraf: Continuing Story
Secret Life of Walter beds

Now, through all ten:

Despicable Remember Me 2
D Ranger
Method and then again
City shops
History of the mortgage
knees Laser
I sleep in peace
duty List
One-two punch
last world
Meat and clouds, as much as possible
Lander game
Latest of the Las Vegas
Thor: Jolt the World
Wolf from Wall Street
Hunger Games: Fire
the weekend
(I hate loneliness ago) Smog: The Hobbit
To save Sir Banks
Continue stories: Musharraf
An incognito life from Walter bed

End transmission.