Thursday, August 1, 2013

Music News-ic Track-by-Track: THE WACK ALBUM

Back in the '60s, John Lennon said that the Beatles were bigger than Jesus. But in 2013, it is clear to me that the Lonely Island is bigger than Yeezus. Not in terms of length, although it is twice as long, or in terms of popularity, although it has sold a sizable amount. In terms of quality? Yes. The Wack Album is a higher quality album than Yeezus.
Look, I'm not saying Yeezus is a bad album. I like about four or five of its songs, which is fifty percent, so that's great. All I'm saying is that The Wack Album is perfect. Every single song from the dramatic intro, "Dramatic Intro," to the final track, "Perfect Saturday," is just great. Right now, its only competition for best album of the year is The Heist by Macklemore. Of course, we'll have to wait and see what Eminem has to offer, but rest assured, the best album of the year will be a white rap act. Anyway, I've decided to go through every track on this most wack of albums and share my thoughts about them. Note: the photos I've included are the first Google Images results when I typed the titles.

#1: DRAMATIC INTRO


A perfect start to a perfect album. This is your typical dramatic intro, filled with random lines like "Please welcome the Lonely Island," "The Lonely Island are the first men to become pregnant," "I hereby declare the Lonely Island the 47th president of these United States," and "Tragedy strikes as the Lonely Island were beaten to death with their own dicks outside an all-male nightclub." The piece ends with a reporter wondering what TLI will create after an experience like this, followed by an immediate segue into the first song, "Go Kindergarten."
GRADE: 10/10

#2: GO KINDERGARTEN FT. ROBYN


Yes, the above image is from the actual music video. The Lonely Island realized that since they're no longer on SNL, they'd need a niche to get people to buy their albums. Apparently, they decided that their songs were going to be broad parodies, as opposed to the specific parodies from the likes of Weird Al and the Key of Awesome. And it works perfectly. This first song is a parody of LMFAO-style dance songs. But while those songs have lines like "put your hands up" or "shake that ass," the Lonely Island takes it to extremes, telling audiences to build schools, burn them down, and teach their asses English. Robyn provides an excellent chorus that somehow works into the song perfectly. If I had to choose my favorite line, it would be Robyn's "So raise your glass then break the glass then stomp your bare feet on the glass." HILARIOUS.
GRADE: 10/10

#3: HUGS FT. PHARRELL WILLIAMS


Now, this is an unconventional song. It's not unlike the rest of the album, it is a broad parody that replaces a lot of the sexual connotations of rap songs with hugs. It's just... kinda set up weirdly. Each chorus is really different from the previous one, either longer or shorter, and with almost entirely different lyrics. It's just a little annoyance. Also, some of the lyrics don't seem to make a lot of sense in the context of the other ones. Look it up; you'll see what I'm talking about. But this is still a great song. The lines are clever, it has a good beat, and Pharrell is surprising on the chorus and bridge. I don't want to say it's the best Pharrell song of the year, but... it's better than "Blurred Lines." And also "Get Lucky." Yeah, it's the best Pharrell song of the year.
GRADE: 7/10

#4: DIAPER MONEY


Here's the thing about Diaper Money. The first part is really funny. The last part is really funny. The middle part is not that funny. It just isn't. If you don't know what I'm talking about, listen to the song. I also noticed that the each section of the song is longer than the previous one. It was clearly done intentionally, but I don't see why. That being said, I really like the third verse of this song. It's really funny. Just look at some of the lyrics.
I did it my way a very small percent of the time-way
Got my coffin picked out
Styrofoam painted like wood: tricked out
It's even got handles to lower me smooth
And my tombstone only has (minimal typos)
I got that grave plot
Let me just say that this song is much funnier if you watch the video. It's a perfect representation of a decent song.
GRADE: 6/10

#5: YOLO FT. ADAM LEVINE & KENDRICK LAMAR


Ah, YOLO. I fell in love with this song the first time I heard it on SNL. It is just phenomenal. It's a true masterpiece. It takes a simple concept, that being a reinterpretation of the phrase "YOLO," and takes it as far as possible. I'm still not sick of this song. Everything from Andy's Shyamalanian intro to Kendrick Lamar's stupendous guest verse is done just right. The music video is fantastic, the lyrics are hilarious, and it's just another perfect ten from one of my favorite bands.
GRADE: 10/10

#6: SPELL IT OUT


Instead of describing this hilarious piece, I'm just going to write out the lyrics.
Yo, it's the Lonely Island. We got my man Jorm. Kiv's in the house. And me? You know who the F I am and if not, let me spell it out.
They call me D-U-D-E-T-H-A-T-H-A-S-S-E-X-W-I-T-H-P-I-G-S-F-O-R-M-O-N-E-Y-B-U-T-J-U-S-T-A-S-A-S-I-D-E-T-H-I-N-G-R-I-G-H-T-N-O-W-comma-I-apostrophe-M-J-U-S-T-S-H-O-R-T-O-N-C-A-S-H-A-N-D-H-A-V-E-I-R-O-N-S-I-N-T-H-E-F-I-R-E-S-O-I-N-T-H-I-S-E-C-O-N-O-M-Y-I-T-apostrophe-double L-H-A-V-E-T-O-D-O-M-Y-N-A-M-E-I-S Lenny!
Wait, that's gross.
GRADE: 9/10

#7: SEMICOLON FT. SOLANGE


I LOVE this song. Talking about how no one knows how semicolons work, the Lonely Island tells their teacher that they know how to use semicolons, then start doing that unfinished simile thing that rappers do, then fail their class. If you're not getting it, watch the lyric video. There's no music video yet, but it's still a great song with a lesson. Some of my favorite lines include "If Miss Moore married Josh; Demi Brolin/A comma and a fucking dot; semicolon" and "You know we're out of control; no brakes/Your birthday party sucked; no cakes" Throw in a great hook by Beyonce's little sister, and you've got yourself another great song from a great album
GRADE: 10/10

#8: INTERLUDE: WHERE BROOKLYN AT?


This one's a little weird (unlike the rest of the album SARCMARK). It's an interlude, where apparently three to four people are talking about this very album, when an old man comes up to ask them where Brooklyn at. He goes on to ask the same thing again, followed by "What about Queeeeeeens?" He repeats this as well and then goes on to say "Puerto Rico ho." He once again repeats himself before asking the original question one last time. Then the next song starts. And it's really funny.
GRADE: 7/10

#9: YOU'VE GOT THE LOOK FT. HUGH JACKMAN AND KRISTEN WIIG


Not gonna lie, this isn't a very good song. I mean, it's kinda funny and it has an OK beat, but it's definitely the worst one on the album. Long story short, a woman comes to a party with one fully exposed breast. I have no idea how or why they got Hugh Jackman for this. I mean, I'm not saying it's bad, it's just... not that good.
GRADE: 5/10

#10: I'M A HUSTLER


Another weird one, the band itself wasn't sure whether to call this a song, putting in parentheses next to the title "Song?" It really is a strange piece. Basically, in a strange voice that I could demonstrate if we were speaking in real life, one of the Lonely Island members talks about how much of a hustler he is. After a minute or two of lines like "You need to be born with a certain swag/A je ne sais quoi that makes hustling your bag," many of which are pretty funny, things get a little crazy when verses start overlapping each other, eventually turning into a muddled mess of sound. However, all these verses stop when the character says "I'm in the kitchen, cooking up crack." He then says something in a normal voice that's pretty hard to make out. Weird, short, but still very funny, this is just another fine addition to the Lonely Island's repertoire.
GRADE: 7/10

#11: SPRING BREAK ANTHEM


Yes, that is Edward Norton. They got Edward Norton to be in their music video and marry Jorma Taccone. Long story short, the song makes fun of the fact that gay marriage is frowned upon in our society, while your typical spring break behavior is not. The first chorus is your typical spring break song, with a misleadingly epic beat, but for some reason, the last line is "Marry a man." The gay marriage lines become more and more prevalent leading into the final chorus which, except for one line, is entirely about gay marriage. And by the power of Greyskull, is it catchy. This song will be stuck in your head for days after you hear it. You'll struggle not to sing it in public, as is the case with other Lonely Island songs like "I Just Had Sex" and "Dick In a Box."
GRADE: 10/10

#12: I RUN NY FT. BILLIE JOE ARMSTRONG


SO IF YOU WANT THIS BIG APPLE, COME TRY TO TAKE A BITE!
'CAUSE I RUN THIS MOTHERFUCKING CITY AND I WON'T GIVE IT UP WITHOUT A FIGHT!
GRADE: 10/10

#13: I DON'T GIVE A HONK


Now, when I first heard this song, I didn't really like it. I mean, it was kind of catchy and had some funny lines, but I didn't think it was as good as, say, the past two songs. That is, until I learned the lyrics. This song is so much fun to perform, it's amazing. And the lyrics are hilarious.
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
And saying that we do is just simply ridonk
You can try to buy us off with your pesos and francs
But your money means nothing, you can take it to the bonk
Not funny enough? How about another line?
So, whatcha gonna do with all your honks?
Gonna dive in and swim like Scrooge McDonk.
Need one more?
Yo, we told you before, we don't give a honk
Even if you give us candy like Willy the Wonk
But don't come for our honks, better know your place
Motherhonkers honk around and get honked in the face
If you don't give a honk about this song yet, then honk you.
GRADE: 9/10

#14: 3-WAY (THE GOLDEN RULE) FT. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND LADY GAGA


Yet another song by JT and Andy Samberg. Not necessarily as catchy as "Dick in a Box," but definitely memorable.
GRADE: 6/10

#15: MEET THE CREW


This is another... unconventional song. It starts out normally, with the Andy, Kiv, and Jorma introducing themselves like so:
My name is Jorm
You can call me J-Orgus
Ride around town bumpin' Fugees in my Taurus
Yo, I'm Artemis Prime
Also known as Young Sandwich
Lonely Island got amigos like my man John Landis
Akiva in the house
But you can call me Young Dad
Rocking pink Adidas, never wear plaid
After that, though, they introduce about 15 characters, including Fat Bob, Tiny, Piccolo Pete, and Boring Steven. The song ends with:
So there it is
One third of the crew
The rest couldn't be here or phone in
But best believe they are missed
Lonely Island, we out
GRADE: 7/10

#16: I FUCKED MY AUNT FT. T-PAIN


I'm lucky that was the first result. I don't want to get into specifics, but this song is very funny, never gets too creepy, and has a pretty good beat.
GRADE: 7/10

#17: WE ARE A CROWD


This one is a parody of songs that people cheer at events. And it's really good.
We are a crowd
And we are loud
We're cheering as a group at our favorite event
We're gonna cheer
'Cause we are here
With all of us together we have nothing to fear
GRADE: 8/10

#18: THE COMPLIMENTS FT. TOO $HORT


This one's actually pretty bland. Basically, they compliment each other, and these compliments get more and more intimate as the song goes on.
GRADE: 5/10

#19: WE NEED LOVE


The gist of this song is that Akiva and Jorma talk about how they want an actual relationship, as opposed to just meaningless sex. They also do it in a dull monotone. It's very funny. I read that these are characters that the Lonely Island has had in their repertoire for like, 8 years, and apparently they're pretty popular among hardcore fans. I can see why.
GRADE: 7/10

#20: PERFECT SATURDAY


This one details a perfect Saturday. The Lonely Island has some girls coming over, but unfortunately, a friend of theirs stops by and needs to use their bathroom urgently. The girls are only a few minutes away, so they need to try to get rid of him. After they fail and the girls are disgusted and leave, they take him up to the roof and kill him. After that, we find out that this was their excuse to pull off a fart joke by the end of the album. Phew, I was getting a little worried.
GRADE: 9/10

FINAL GRADE: 9/10

While not every song on the album is fantastic, the album is still set up so that it's hard to stop at any given point. It is, in my opinion, the best album of the year. I'll put some kind of review out next week. I might be going on a trip, so we'll have to wait and see.
Story is end!