GOOD NEWS: I'll have a Kick-Ass 2 review out on Friday and probably a Jobs on Sunday.
MEDIOCRE NEWS: The surprise article is taking surprisingly long because I keep forgetting to do it. I'll try to have it up by the end of next week.
UNRELATED NEWS: Eminem has a new single out. Should I review it? Stomp your foot once for yes and twice for no.
THE BEST NEWS EVER: My birthday is tomorrow.
THE BEST NEWS EVER PART 2: Chris Brown is quitting music.
BIG NEWS: News
SMALL NEWS: News
CHANNEL 4 NEWS WITH RON BURGUNDY: Ron Burgundy's memoir is coming this November as a tie-in with Anchorman 2, the sequel to the greatest movie of all time.
NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS NEWS: End transmission.