A Nonsense Article to Tide You Over Because I Haven't Seen Any Movies These Past Few Days

The egg of Wednesday told me to fry the cat from Nantucket with ease. I told her, "You can't always get the kind of charger that keyboards can call their grandmother, can you?" She didn't respond, but the only kind of poster that does your taxes is the nonchalant kind. It was then that a bird that was walking by came to a startling revelation: Leonardo DiCaprio has never been to its house. This came as quite a shock to the lawyers, who had never heard the word "ersatz" and weren't willing to find out what it meant. That didn't stop Brent, the lopsided pickle who didn't play by the rules.
Now, it's strange to note at this point that I hadn't met Brent until last Kwanzaa, and by then he had already made nine thousand shoes out of the watches of businessmen. In fact, the only lopsided pickle I'd ever met was Gary Busey, and I'd only met him via Tumblr. Getting back to the story, it was clear at this point that Brent had no idea how the YouTube comments section worked. This, of course, meant that Katie, the lonely bowl of French onion soup, had no choice but to see the Total Recall remake by herself. Now, you may be asking yourself, "Did I leave the hairdryer on?" Unfortunately for you, Yahoo Answers can't help you with that predicament.
If there was one thing Brent had learned from all his years as a hole digger, it was that the best kind of box is no box at all. So, when he had finally found the tomb of Gilgamesh, he was at a loss. It wasn't until Frank Stallone made an appearance that he finally knew the answers. He got on a zeppelin back home and when he got there, he was off to the races. Unfortunately, it turned out that Frank Stallone had lied to him and Remembering Another Dashboard was not the winning horse.
Brent had a lot of opinions. He preferred latitude to longitude, Mac to PC, Ground Control to Major Tom, etc. But there was one thing he didn't know, and that was why Australians called them thongs instead of flip-flops. Of course, Brent did wind up saving the day in the end of this story, so you don't need to know the rest. Basically, Brent shot JR, DiCaprio got the girl, I learned a valuable lesson, and Bruce Willis was bread the whole time. Overall, I give it a C++.
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Review: Grown Ups 2 is Just Awful

Well, Adam Sandler has finally done it. He's finally figured out how to make me chuckle every now and then. I didn't think he could do it. After seeing Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, That's My Boy, Bedtime Stories, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Eight Crazy Nights, and others, I really thought that he would never succeed in making me laugh even a little bit. But he's finally done it.
Don't get me wrong, Grown Ups 2 is terrible. It's the worst movie I've seen all year and one of the worst things in general, tied with a deer carcass I saw outside a shopping center. I really do think that this movie is a piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or money. BUT it was a little funny. Let's go over it a little more.
The movie starts with the main characters having moved back to their hometown (I'll bet you thought they were going to move back during the movie. You're clearly overestimating Mr. Sandler). They all have families and lives and a buck is pissing on everything. That is literally the first scene in the movie. And guess what? The buck comes back during the climax and eats Taylor Lautner's dick. That is the climax of the movie.
Now, if there's a climax, you'd probably think there's a plot, right? Wrong. This is part of a subgenre of comedies called "things movies." A certain Mike Jeavons is known for reviewing "things movies," in which, rather than a plot, the movie concerns various unconnected things happening to various people with little setup and no payoff. And this movie is a prime example. The plot is basically that Adam Sandler throws a party. That's it. Sure, tons of other "things" that happen before that, but none of them have anything to do with the "plot." Like I said before, they're just things. No lesson, no plot, just things. I really, truly hate this movie. But it may be the best Sandler film I've ever seen. Why is that? Because, like I said before, it's a little funny. The problem with his other movies isn't that they have no plot or substance or likable characters, although those do contribute. The problem is that they are NOT FUNNY. This one, on the other hand, was... a little funny. It was about as funny as this review is. All in all, though, I give this movie a D.

P.S. I've abandoned my Pixar Timeline. I'll have a Turbo review ready by Thursday.
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After that, a Pixar timeline, followed by reviews of Turbo, RED 2, and RIPD.
You're not ready for those either, but to be fair, neither am I.

Late Entry: The Heat

Yes, I know The Heat's been out for a few weeks and everyone's already reviewed it, but I feel I might have a unique perspective on the movie that I can share with my fans. All 20 of them. Now, before I begin, I want to point out that The Heat is rated R, but just for strong language, so if your kids are under the age of 12, don't take them to see it. If they're twelve or over and want to see it, go ahead and take them. Alright, on with the review!
First of all, The Heat is very funny. It's most definitely the funniest movie I've seen all year. Not the best movie, mind you, that honor belongs to Monsters University. But, it's the funniest. Funnier than The Hangover Part Thr3e, funnier than Identity Thief, and most certainly funnier than The Internship. Wait. Shit, Burt Wonderstone. Okay, it's tied for the funniest movie of the year. If you're just looking for laughs, I highly recommend this movie. In fact, this movie also has quite a bit of substance to it. There's only one problem.
The plot. It's predictable, it's derivative, and it's just not funny. I think you all know who the main characters are. The loudmouthed Boston cop and the straight-laced FBI agent. You can already tell that this is a very unoriginal plot, and has been done in EVERY COP MOVIE EVER MADE. Not that it's a bad setup, it's just not usually what makes great comedies. There are also a few things that it seems like they built upon, but then the movie was too long and they had to cut it out. The movie was still a little over two hours, and it's hard to imagine that it was originally EVEN LONGER. The plot isn't the only bad part of the movie.
The villains suck. You're supposed to think that we haven't seen the villain and then think that one guy's the villain and then realize that his partner's the villain, even though everyone has already figured out that he's the villain twenty minutes ago. Basically, there's this albino guy that's apparently trying to find the same guy that Melissa and Sandra are, along with his partner, played by Taran Killam. Melissa thinks that the albino guy is the villain, because he looks and acts like a bad guy, but everyone already knows that someone else is the bad guy. Now, I don't know who the rest of the audience thought the bad guy was, though I know my brother had a terrible guess, I pretty much knew it was good ol' Taran. In fact, at one point Melissa said the villain could be anyone, someone on Sandra's team or someone on her's or someone on neither's, but she was pretty sure it was the albino guy, and I said fairly loudly, "It's Taran Killam!" That's not the only predictable part either. I knew Melissa's brother would get shot, I knew that the climax would involve him, I knew that the Red Falls killer was innocent, and just about every other plot point in the entire movie was discovered by me well in advance of it being shown on screen. You want to know why? Because they kept poking at it! Why would they even mention the Red Falls killer if it wouldn't come up again? What was the purpose of her brother being so close to the villain? They should be more subtle with their foreshadowing! Do you think The Wizard of Oz would have succeeded if everyone in the movie went around calling the Wizard "the Man Behind the Curtain?" NO!
Oddly enough, one of the few things that did surprise me was something that happened in 21 Jump Street AND The Other Guys. Sandy and Melissa had spent the night drinking, and when Sandy B. woke up, she discovered that she had given her car to someone. He tried to apprehend him, but he made it to the car. And then the car exploded. However, unlike the other movies, this one wasn't making fun of the classic "sudden explosion" scene, it was using it. How do I know this? Because they weren't the least bit shaken by the explosion. Also, at one point, they hid from a grenade by ducking behind a box. It worked. A little lesson, Paul Feig, never go Crystal Skull.
Oh, are you wondering how I knew that Taran Killam was the bad guy? Because he had one line in all of his scenes. No one gives Killam one line per scene and only three scenes. It was obvious that he was going to be important to the plot. All in all, this movie was okay. I give it a B-. BUT, if you're looking for a really well-made, hilarious, original buddy-cop comedy, see 21 Jump Street or The Other Guys. You'll be glad you did. Speaking of unoriginal comedies, Grown Ups 2 comes out this Friday, and I can't wait to test my theory that Adam Sandler movies are getting EVEN WORSE.
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The Top Ten One-Digit Numbers

#1: 1

I think we can all agree that one is truly the best one-digit number, and maybe even the best number overall. I mean, what's not to like about 1. Some of the hipsters in the audience may say that one is such a mainstream number. I mean, it's literally the most common number. But sometimes things are famous for a reason. I mean, 1 is everywhere. It's in the heights of buildings and lengths of rivers and widths of... things whose widths are often measured. Really, if you measure anything at all, there's a good chance one will show up. And that's why we love it so much. Okay, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this next one.

#2: 7

A lot of people seem to have been turning away from seven and more towards numbers like 9 or 2 recently, but I still love it. People may say, "Why? Because it's "lucky," you superstitious bastard?" No, not because it's lucky. Because it's deep. It may be the most poetic of all ten of the numbers I'll be listing today. I mean, just draw it. It's too smooth, straight lines, put together into something crooked and awkward. It just proves that true beauty doesn't exist and okay I'm making this up as I go along. But if you haven't tried 7 recently, give it another chance. I can guarantee it'll be much better than you remember.

 #3: 0

This one probably raised your eyebrow. "Isn't zero a pretty recent number? It doesn't seem like it belongs on the list at all, especially not at #3." Well, first of all, I'm a teenager, it should be expected that I'm a fan of more recent numbers. Second of all, it's hilarious. It's the funniest number I've ever seen, aside from 5318008, but that has more than one digit. No, actually, 0 is better than 5318008. You heard me right. 0 IS BETTER THAN 5318008. DEAL WITH IT.

#4: 5

Ah, five. Classic. Now, the ANI listed this as the greatest number of all time, so you may be confused as to why it's behind some of these other numbers, especially 7. It's... a little boring. I know what you're saying, it's one of the first numbers, it doesn't matter if it's boring, but it kind of does. I'm not saying it's a bad number, no. It's probably in my top ten favorite numbers in general. I just don't think it deserves to be #1. But isn't it just fantastic. Not too big, not too little, powerful yet subtle, it truly is one of the greatest numbers of all time.

#5: 2

I think you all knew this was coming. 2 is the most satisfying number I have ever seen. Just look at that thing. It's perfect. I know people had a lot of high expectations for two when it was announced, and I think they definitely delivered. I just wish they could think of a better ending. Now, nine, on the other hand, there's a number with a great ending. Which is why...

#6: 9

Nine is mind-blowing. Truly mind-blowing. If you multiply it by a number, you'll get its terms, or the terms of a multiple. That's fucking deep, man. I've never seen a number quite like 9. Except it's multiples! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! But seriously, 9 is just fantastic. I know that I criticized it as well as two in my review of the number 7, but that's just because they're not as good as the number seven. They're still great in their own special way.

#7: 3

Three is... good. There's not much else to say about it. It's one of the big three (one, three, and five) and I can sorta see why. It's great. I wouldn't say I give three a less-than-three (<3), but it's a good number. There's just not much else to say about it. It's got a solid beginning, a solid ending, the middle is really slow, but it's still probably worth your time. Seriously, don't let this unenthusiastic review fool you. It's a good number and you should check it out if it's your kind of thing.

#8: 8

Okay, here's the thing about these last three. I don't really like them. The problem is that there are only so many one-digit numbers to use, so I kind of had to include them. I just put them in order of which one I hated the least. And that dubious honor goes to 8. Now, 8 is a lot of fun to write, but it doesn't have much else going for it. Someone looking at it will think, "Eight? Why eight?" You may not think you're thinking that, but you're not always thinking what you think you're thinking. The truth is that eight is kind of an off-putting number. It's not the worst number, it's just... unappealing and odd.

#9: 4

Four is a mess. While it's certainly not the worst number, it's nowhere near the best. It's awkward to write and awkward to look at, although its name is nice and simple. Four. Even that isn't that smooth. The "f" sound is a big no-no when it comes to numbers. Five makes up for it with the "v" sound, one of the few sounds that really goes well with "f." I've definitely seen some fours that I like, but as a number, it kind of falls apart.

#10: 6

I fucking hate six. Not only is it the worst number on this list, it's the worst number of ALL TIME. If I were to make a list of the worst numbers of all time, nine out of ten of them would contain a six (I also really hate "quadrillion"). Six has no redeeming qualities. It's hard to draw, weird to say, an unappealing word, an unappealing number, and is just overall terrible in every way. There is nothing I like about this number, or anything that has ever come out of it (except six thousand, but I'll talk about that another time). 6 makes me cringe every time I have to write it. I wish we could have come up with a better word for six, at least, then maybe it would surpass "four." But we didn't. And we won't. And it sucks. Fuck six.

A Message to DisneyToon Studios

Fuck you, DisneyToon Studios.

Despicable Me 2 Was Very Good For What it Was

Now, you may be wondering what that title means. What I mean to say is that Entertainment Weekly, Film School Rejects, and many others are looking at this movie all wrong. Now, you may be wondering what that explanation is. Well, you're rather curious today, aren't you? You see, both of those popular sources of reviews gave this movie less than a C+. And I don't like that. This article won't exactly be a review, but I will be grading the movie at the end. As you may know, I don't like to warn my readers about spoilers, so let's start the review!
Mind you, not every critic got this wrong. In fact, it has a 74% on Rotten Tomatoes. But a lot of them did and a lot of the more popular ones did. There were two things that these critics didn't do right. First of all, it's a comedy. For children. Stop picking apart the changes in character between it and the first one. Most of the audience doesn't even remember the first one well enough to do that. My second critique critique may seem like a bit of a contradiction considering my first one. They're not taking the movie seriously. Sure, at first glance, it made you laugh, but it didn't make you think. But that's just because you didn't think. You didn't analyze its place in the series or how well it worked as both a standalone film and a sequel to the second-best children's comedy about a supervillain of 2010. Actually, that doesn't do it justice. It's the second-best children's comedy about a supervillain of ALL TIME. That's better. I decided to do this movie justice by doing both of these things.
For a children's comedy, Despicable? Me Too! is fantastic. It is definitely the second-best of the year and why does this series keep getting stuck in second place? Damn you, letter M! But yeah, it's hilarious. I'm not saying it's better than the first one, but it's definitely a close... second GODDAMMIT! When the jokes were adult, they were good and when they were childish, they were even better. In one scene, Gru has a device on his belt to help him find a certain chemical while he wanders through the store of a supposed supervillain. He therefore needs to thrust his pelvis at every surface in the store to see if the chemical is there. That is gold. If you didn't laugh at that, you will when you see it on the big screen. And by the way, see it in 3D. You'll be very annoyed if you don't. But yeah, this is definitely a very entertaining movie. But how well does it work?
As a standalone film, it's pretty good. There are a few callbacks to the original, but nothing that would be hard to understand if you hadn't seen it. Like I said before, it's also hilarious. There were only a few jokes in the entire movie that really didn't work. It also had a pretty good story, besides its Cars 2 premise. The only things that I didn't like were the twists. I saw them all coming from a mile away. I knew from the very beginning that Gru and Lucy were going to get married, I knew immediately when Nefario quit that he was going to end up working for the bad guy, and I knew immediately that El Macho was still alive and would be the antagonist. What I didn't suspect was a tease at next year's Minion movie during the end credits.
Now we've reached the real question: does it work as a sequel? Is it necessary? Did it further the story? Was it intended when the first movie was made? Let me answer those questions. I think the movie is necessary in the same sense that Incredibles 2 is necessary (2019, baby!). It's necessary because the first one ended in a way that they could have done anything they wanted. They could have left it as it is, they could have made a sequel, they could have even made a TV series. It's very hard to tell if they intended to make a sequel. In a lot of ways, it perfectly fits in to the story, but in a lot of other ways, it feels like they just did it because the studio demanded it. It certainly does further the story, Gru having grown into a loving father while still maintaining some of his villainous ways, the Minions having gone through a similar change, and yet the girls haven't changed a bit. They're three years older now, and yet the only one who seems to have changed is the oldest one, who has gone full teenager. Especially at their age, the kids should have changed dramatically over those three years, unless it hasn't been three years. A lot of people seem to be unaware of Gru's retirement.
Does the movie do anything better than the first one? Yes. Its satire. I swear to god, this thing parodies every spy movie as well as everyday suburban life and it does it terrifically. There are also, however, a few subplots that never really take off. For example, one of the minions falls in love with Lucy, the love interest of EVERY FUCKING CHARACTER. Then... they never speak of it again. What about the woman that's always trying to hook Gru up with younger women? That was hilarious! Was that supposed to be a one-time joke? Or a three-time joke? I can think of ways that that could have been part of the plot. But I also like how they prevented it from being part of the plot. Lucy was at a restaurant where Gru was on a "date" with your typical duck-billed anorexic. Rather than getting mad, Lucy listens in on the date using spy devices and finds that Gru was having a miserable time. The woman who hooked them up was  never mentioned again. There was also a setup where Lucy was going to Australia for an assignment even though Gru was confident that the case hadn't been cracked yet. In the end, she never goes. I swear to god, even though Silas Ramsbottom, her BOSS, says she's going there, she never goes. Gru even points out that Lucy should have been in Australia when she got kidnapped. Does anyone ever answer that complaint? NOPE. All in all, this is a very good family movie and I give it a B+.

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