Review: Grown Ups 2 is Just Awful

Well, Adam Sandler has finally done it. He's finally figured out how to make me chuckle every now and then. I didn't think he could do it. After seeing Grown Ups, Jack and Jill, That's My Boy, Bedtime Stories, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore, Eight Crazy Nights, and others, I really thought that he would never succeed in making me laugh even a little bit. But he's finally done it.
Don't get me wrong, Grown Ups 2 is terrible. It's the worst movie I've seen all year and one of the worst things in general, tied with a deer carcass I saw outside a shopping center. I really do think that this movie is a piece of shit that doesn't deserve your time or money. BUT it was a little funny. Let's go over it a little more.
The movie starts with the main characters having moved back to their hometown (I'll bet you thought they were going to move back during the movie. You're clearly overestimating Mr. Sandler). They all have families and lives and a buck is pissing on everything. That is literally the first scene in the movie. And guess what? The buck comes back during the climax and eats Taylor Lautner's dick. That is the climax of the movie.
Now, if there's a climax, you'd probably think there's a plot, right? Wrong. This is part of a subgenre of comedies called "things movies." A certain Mike Jeavons is known for reviewing "things movies," in which, rather than a plot, the movie concerns various unconnected things happening to various people with little setup and no payoff. And this movie is a prime example. The plot is basically that Adam Sandler throws a party. That's it. Sure, tons of other "things" that happen before that, but none of them have anything to do with the "plot." Like I said before, they're just things. No lesson, no plot, just things. I really, truly hate this movie. But it may be the best Sandler film I've ever seen. Why is that? Because, like I said before, it's a little funny. The problem with his other movies isn't that they have no plot or substance or likable characters, although those do contribute. The problem is that they are NOT FUNNY. This one, on the other hand, was... a little funny. It was about as funny as this review is. All in all, though, I give this movie a D.

P.S. I've abandoned my Pixar Timeline. I'll have a Turbo review ready by Thursday.
Story is end!