Friday, July 5, 2013

The Top Ten One-Digit Numbers

#1: 1

I think we can all agree that one is truly the best one-digit number, and maybe even the best number overall. I mean, what's not to like about 1. Some of the hipsters in the audience may say that one is such a mainstream number. I mean, it's literally the most common number. But sometimes things are famous for a reason. I mean, 1 is everywhere. It's in the heights of buildings and lengths of rivers and widths of... things whose widths are often measured. Really, if you measure anything at all, there's a good chance one will show up. And that's why we love it so much. Okay, I know I'm going to get a lot of hate for this next one.

#2: 7

A lot of people seem to have been turning away from seven and more towards numbers like 9 or 2 recently, but I still love it. People may say, "Why? Because it's "lucky," you superstitious bastard?" No, not because it's lucky. Because it's deep. It may be the most poetic of all ten of the numbers I'll be listing today. I mean, just draw it. It's too smooth, straight lines, put together into something crooked and awkward. It just proves that true beauty doesn't exist and okay I'm making this up as I go along. But if you haven't tried 7 recently, give it another chance. I can guarantee it'll be much better than you remember.

 #3: 0

This one probably raised your eyebrow. "Isn't zero a pretty recent number? It doesn't seem like it belongs on the list at all, especially not at #3." Well, first of all, I'm a teenager, it should be expected that I'm a fan of more recent numbers. Second of all, it's hilarious. It's the funniest number I've ever seen, aside from 5318008, but that has more than one digit. No, actually, 0 is better than 5318008. You heard me right. 0 IS BETTER THAN 5318008. DEAL WITH IT.

#4: 5

Ah, five. Classic. Now, the ANI listed this as the greatest number of all time, so you may be confused as to why it's behind some of these other numbers, especially 7. It's... a little boring. I know what you're saying, it's one of the first numbers, it doesn't matter if it's boring, but it kind of does. I'm not saying it's a bad number, no. It's probably in my top ten favorite numbers in general. I just don't think it deserves to be #1. But isn't it just fantastic. Not too big, not too little, powerful yet subtle, it truly is one of the greatest numbers of all time.

#5: 2

I think you all knew this was coming. 2 is the most satisfying number I have ever seen. Just look at that thing. It's perfect. I know people had a lot of high expectations for two when it was announced, and I think they definitely delivered. I just wish they could think of a better ending. Now, nine, on the other hand, there's a number with a great ending. Which is why...

#6: 9

Nine is mind-blowing. Truly mind-blowing. If you multiply it by a number, you'll get its terms, or the terms of a multiple. That's fucking deep, man. I've never seen a number quite like 9. Except it's multiples! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA! But seriously, 9 is just fantastic. I know that I criticized it as well as two in my review of the number 7, but that's just because they're not as good as the number seven. They're still great in their own special way.

#7: 3

Three is... good. There's not much else to say about it. It's one of the big three (one, three, and five) and I can sorta see why. It's great. I wouldn't say I give three a less-than-three (<3), but it's a good number. There's just not much else to say about it. It's got a solid beginning, a solid ending, the middle is really slow, but it's still probably worth your time. Seriously, don't let this unenthusiastic review fool you. It's a good number and you should check it out if it's your kind of thing.

#8: 8

Okay, here's the thing about these last three. I don't really like them. The problem is that there are only so many one-digit numbers to use, so I kind of had to include them. I just put them in order of which one I hated the least. And that dubious honor goes to 8. Now, 8 is a lot of fun to write, but it doesn't have much else going for it. Someone looking at it will think, "Eight? Why eight?" You may not think you're thinking that, but you're not always thinking what you think you're thinking. The truth is that eight is kind of an off-putting number. It's not the worst number, it's just... unappealing and odd.

#9: 4

Four is a mess. While it's certainly not the worst number, it's nowhere near the best. It's awkward to write and awkward to look at, although its name is nice and simple. Four. Even that isn't that smooth. The "f" sound is a big no-no when it comes to numbers. Five makes up for it with the "v" sound, one of the few sounds that really goes well with "f." I've definitely seen some fours that I like, but as a number, it kind of falls apart.

#10: 6

I fucking hate six. Not only is it the worst number on this list, it's the worst number of ALL TIME. If I were to make a list of the worst numbers of all time, nine out of ten of them would contain a six (I also really hate "quadrillion"). Six has no redeeming qualities. It's hard to draw, weird to say, an unappealing word, an unappealing number, and is just overall terrible in every way. There is nothing I like about this number, or anything that has ever come out of it (except six thousand, but I'll talk about that another time). 6 makes me cringe every time I have to write it. I wish we could have come up with a better word for six, at least, then maybe it would surpass "four." But we didn't. And we won't. And it sucks. Fuck six.