Monday, July 29, 2013

Stank-Ass Ranking: The X-Men Movies

Well, The Wolverine came out this weekend, so now seems like a perfect time to rank the X-Men movies. Now, keep in mind, this is just my personal opinion that basically everyone else who's seen these movies shares. Seriously, besides the order of the first two, I can't imagine why any X-Men fan would disagree with any of this. Anyway, on with the list!

#1: X2: X-Men United

Oh, yeah. This is what I'm talking about. X2, one of the best superhero movies of all time. What can I say about X2. It's a great movie. It's big. It's powerful. It's dramatic. It's funny. It's dark. It's just everything you could want in a superhero movie. Was it the best superhero movie of all time? No, that honor goes to The Dark Knight. But it's up there. It's way up there.

#2: X-Men

What kick-started the comic book movie revolution? Some say it was Blade. Others say Spider-Man. Some even trace the modern-day comic book movie all the way back to Men in Black. So, whatever it is, it's a Marvel movie. But in my opinion, the first movie that truly defined the modern comic book movie was none other than X-Men. At the time, people didn't know what to make of it. Some people treated it like a gift from God. Others thought it too strange for their sensibilities. But one thing was for sure. It was the start of a revolution. Every superhero movie started using this new formula, some successfully (Spider-Man franchise, Amazing Spider-Man franchise, Marvel Cinematic Universe, the Dark Knight trilogy) and others... not so much (Daredevil, Catwoman, 50% of X-Men movies). If it weren't for this movie, there wouldn't have been a comic book revolution, and we would never have the five superhero movies a year we're so used to.

#3: The Wolverine

For those of you who haven't seen my review of this movie, which is crazy, because I put it up yesterday, The Wolverine is decent. It's good. It's not a great movie like the two above, and it's not a terrible movie like the three below. It's just alright. In fact, the only thing that stopped me from hating this movie, and the only thing that made it better than Man of Steel, was Wolverine himself. Nothing else about the movie was phenomenal, just good ol' Logan. And that's all I need.

#4: X-Men: First Class

Now, for some reason, a lot of people seem to think this movie is good. In fact, it has the highest rating of all the X-Men movies on Rotten Tomatoes. I don't see why. It's terrible. The acting isn't very good, it completely throws away what happened in the last four movies, the ending is ridiculous, the middle is ridiculous, the beginning is... fine, actually, but it doesn't make up for the rest of this piece of shit! Almost all of the characters are SO ANNOYING, and there's just too much bullshit in it for me to enjoy it at all. While it is the best of the bad X-Men movies, it's still bad.

#5: X3: The Last Stand

Oh, boy. Here we go. These final two spots were a real toss-up because they're both SO TERRIBLE. But before I talk about this endless swamp of shit, I want to defend Brett Ratner. Not everything he makes is bad. He made Horrible Bosses and "Prison Break" and Rush Hour and... nothing else that is good. Alright, he's pretty bad. But he's not that bad. This, however, is that bad. It's not that it has bad actors or even a bad plot. It's the same problem that the next movie on the list has, and the same problem that Green Lantern had. It's TERRIBLY WRITTEN. It's unfunny, it doesn't make sense, the writing is SO BAD that it makes this movie one of the worst in the superhero genre. And the worst X-Men movie of all time is...

#6: X-Men Origins: Wolverine

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the worst movies of all time. The movie that introduced about twenty new X-Men characters and ruined them all. I'm dead serious. Just look at them. In the comics, Gambit can hypnotize people, make things EXPLODE, create static electricity, and harness the power of kinetic and potential energy. In the movies, they turned him into a guy with a jacket who can make things stronger. What does that mean? You figure it out. Another prime example is Deadpool, who is the funniest thing ever in the comics, he can't even speak once he becomes Deadpool. That is a crime against humanity. The very thought of portraying Deadpool as a character that can't speak is just ludicrous. They say that he will break the fourth wall in the upcoming movie, like he does in the comics, which indicates that he will HAVE A FUCKING MOUTH. Thank God. Also, tell Him to DESTROY EVERY LAST COPY OF THIS PIECE OF CINEMATIC SHIT!

I've decided that I will put out a review of The Way, Way Back this week. Bet you didn't see that coming.
Story is end!